Just one thing : developing a Buddha brain one simple practice at a time

9. Befriend Your Body

Imagine that your body is separate from you, and consider these questions:

How has your body taken care of you over the years? Such as keeping you alive, giving you pleasure, and taking you from place to place.

In return, how well do you take care of your body? Such as soothing, feeding, and exercising it, or taking it to the doctor. On the other hand, in what ways might you run it down, feed it junk food, or intoxicate it?

In what ways are you critical of your body? For example, are you disappointed in it or embarrassed by it? Do you feel let down by it, or wish it were different?

If your body could talk to you, what might it say?

If your body were a good friend, how would you treat it? Would that be different from how you treat it now?

Personally, I can’t help squirming a little when I face these questions myself. It’s common to push the body hard, ignore its needs until they get intense, and tune out from its signals. And then drop the body into bed at the end of another long day like—as my father would say, having grown up on a ranch—“a horse rid hard and put up wet.”

People can also get mad at the body, and even mean to it. Like it’s the body’s fault if it weighs too much or is getting old.

But if you do any of these things, you’ll end up paying a big price, since you are not separated from your body after all. Its needs and pleasures and pains are your own. Its fate will be your own someday.

On the other hand, if you treat your body well, like a good friend, you’ll feel better, have more energy, be more resilient, and probably live longer.

How

Remember a time when you treated a good friend well. What was your attitude toward your friend, and what kinds of things did you do with him or her? How did it feel inside to be nice toward your friend?

Next, imagine a day of treating your body like another good friend. Imagine loving this friend—your body—as you wake up and help it out of bed: being gentle with it, staying connected to it, not rushing about . . . what would this feel like?

Imagine cherishing your body as you move through the morning—such as helping it kindly to some water, giving it a nice shower, and serving it healthy and delicious food. Imagine treating your body with love as you do other activities, such as driving, caring for children, exercising, working with others, doing dishes, having sex, or brushing your teeth.

How would this approach feel?

You’d probably experience less stress, more relaxation and calm, more pleasure, more ease, and more of a sense of being in control of your life. Plus an implicit sense of being kind to yourself, since in a deep sense you don’t just have a body, you are your body; treating it well is treating you well.

If your body could speak, what might it say to you after being treated with love for a day?

Then, for real, treat your body well for a day (or even for just a few minutes). What’s this like? In what ways does it feel good? Notice any reluctance to be nice to your body. Maybe a feeling that doing so would be self-indulgent or sinful. Explore that reluctance, and see what it’s about. Then decide if it makes any sense. If it doesn’t, return to treating your body well.

If you could talk to your body, what might you say? Perhaps write a letter to your body, telling it how you’ve felt about it in the past, and how you want to be nicer to it in the future.

Make a short list of how to care better for your body, such as quitting smoking, or leaving work sooner, or taking more time for simple bodily pleasures. Then commit to treating your body better.

Kindness begins at home.

Your home is your body.

10. Nourish Your Brain

Your brain contains about a hundred billion neurons plus another trillion support cells. Most neurons fire five to fifty times a second—even when you’re asleep. Consequently, even though your brain weighs only three pounds, about 2 to 3 percent of bodyweight, it needs about 25 percent of the glucose in your blood. No wonder it’s hungry!

And it needs other nutrients besides glucose. For example, about 60 percent of the dry weight of the brain consists of healthy fats. Or consider the neurotransmitters that carry information from one neuron to another. Your body builds these complex molecules from smaller parts, assisted by other biochemicals. For instance, serotonin—which supports your mood, digestion, and sleep—is made from tryptophan with the aid of iron and vitamin B6.

Significant shortages in any one of the dozens of nutrients your brain needs will harm your body and mind. For example:

On the other hand, filling up your neural cupboard with good supplies will bring you more energy, resilience, and well-being.

How

At every meal, especially breakfast, have three to four ounces of protein—about the size of a deck of cards—from one source or another. This will give you vital amino acids plus help regulate blood sugar and insulin.

Speaking of blood sugar, eating lots of sweets and white-flour carbohydrates raises insulin levels . . . which then crash, leading to the weary/cranky/foggy state of hypoglycemia. Routinely high insulin also puts you on the slippery slope to type 2 diabetes. So keep these foods to a minimum, aiming for no more than twenty-five grams a day of refined sugar, and avoiding refined flours as much as possible.

Eat lots of dark-colored fruits and vegetables, such as blueberries, kale, beets, carrots, and broccoli. These foods contain important nutrients that support memory (Krikorian, et al. 2010), protect your brain against oxidation (Guerrero-Beltran, et al. 2010), and may reduce the risk of dementia (Gu, et al. 2010).

Take a broad-spectrum, high-potency, multivitamin/mineral supplement. It would be great if you could get all the nutrients for optimal health from three meals a day, but most people don’t have the time to get and prepare all the fresh vegetables and other complex foods this would take. Plus we need more of these nutrients to help metabolize the hundreds of man-made molecules we’re exposed to each day. In addition to eating as healthily as you can, it’s simple to toss a few supplement capsules a day down the hatch, which takes less time than brushing your teeth. To identify a high-quality supplement—whose daily dose probably involves two to three capsules—look for one that has about five to ten times the “daily values” (DVs) of B vitamins and 100 percent of the DVs of minerals.

Also take two to three capsules a day of high-quality fish oil, enough to get at least 500 milligrams of both DHA (decosahexaenoic acid) and EPA (eicosapentaenoic acid); check the label. If you don’t want fish oil, an alternative is a combination of flax oil and DHA from algae, but fish oil is the most effective way to get omega-3 oils into your body and brain.

Meanwhile, as you take these actions, enjoy knowing that as you “feed your head,” you’re in fact feeding your life.

11. Protect Your Brain

Your brain controls your other bodily systems, and it’s the basis for your thoughts and feelings, joys and sorrows. No question, it is the most important organ in your body. Small changes in its neurochemistry can lead to big changes in your mood, resilience, memory, concentration, thoughts, feelings, and desires.

So it’s vital to protect it from negative factors like toxins, inflammation, and stress.

If you take good care of your brain, it will take good care of you.

How

Avoid toxins. Besides the obvious actions—like don’t sniff glue, and stand upwind when pumping gas—be careful about alcohol, which works by depriving brain cells of oxygen: that buzz is the feeling of neurons drowning.

Minimize inflammation. When your immune system activates to deal with an infection or allergen, it sends chemical messengers called cytokines throughout your body. Unfortunately, cytokines can linger in your brain, leading to a slump in mood and even depression (Maier and Watkins 1998; Schiepers, Wichers, and Maes 2005).

So take practical steps to reduce colds and flu, such as washing your hands often, and avoid any foods that set off your immune system. For example, many people have inflammatory reactions to gluten grains (e.g., wheat, oats, rye) and/or dairy products; it’s not surprising, since these foods were introduced just 10,000 years ago, a tiny moment in the 200 million-year evolution of the mammalian, primate, and human diet. You don’t need overt symptoms of allergies for a medical lab blood test to show that gluten or dairy foods aren’t good for you. On your own, try going to zero with both these food groups for two weeks and see if you notice a difference in your mental or physical health; if you do, keep staying away from them: I do myself, and there are plenty of delicious alternatives.

Get regular exercise, which promotes the growth of new neural structures, including via the birth of new brain cells.

Relax. The stress hormone cortisol both sensitizes the fight-or-flight alarm bell of the brain—the amygdala—and weakens (even shrinks) a region called the hippocampus, which helps put the brakes on stress reactions. Consequently, in a vicious cycle, stress today makes you more sensitive to stress tomorrow. Additionally, since the hippocampus is also critical for making memories, a daily diet of stress (even from just feeling frustrated, irritated, or anxious) makes it harder to learn new things or put your feelings in context. One major antidote to stress is relaxation, which activates the soothing and calming parasympathetic wing of the nervous system; see chapter 4 for good ways to relax.

PART TWO:

ENJOY LIFE

12. Take Pleasure

When you find pleasure in life, you are not pushing away things that are hard or painful. You are simply opening up to the sweet stuff that’s already around you—and basking, luxuriating, and delighting in it.

This activates the calming and soothing parasympathetic wing of your autonomic nervous system, and quiets the fight-or-flight sympathetic wing and its stress-response hormones. Besides lifting your mood, settling your fears, and brightening your outlook, the stress relief of taking pleasure offers physical health benefits, too: strengthening your immune system, improving digestion, and balancing hormones.

How

Relish the pleasures of daily life, starting with your senses:

What smells good? The skin of an orange, wood smoke on the air, dinner on the stove, a young child’s hair . . .

Tastes delicious? Strong coffee, delicate tea, French toast—chocolate!—tossed salad, goat cheese . . .

Looks beautiful? Sunrise, sunset, full moon, a baby sleeping, red leaves in autumn, images of galaxies, fresh fallen snow . . .

Sounds wonderful? Waves on the seashore, wind through pine trees, a dear friend laughing, Beethoven’s Ode to Joy, silence itself . . .

Feels good on your skin? Newly washed sheets, a good back scratch, warm water, a fresh breeze on a muggy day . . .

Next, include the mind: What do you like to think about or remember. For example, bring to mind a favorite setting—a mountain meadow, a tropical beach, a cozy living room chair—and imagine yourself there.

Last, savor these pleasures. Sink into them, take your time with them, and let them fill your body and mind. Marinate in pleasure! Notice any resistance to feeling really good, any thought that it is foolish or wrong . . . and then see if you can let that go. And fall back into pleasure.

Enjoy yourself!

13. Say Yes

When our son was doing theater in high school, I learned about an exercise for improvisational acting (“improv”): no matter what another actor says or does to you, you are always supposed to figuratively (and sometimes literally) say yes to it. In other words, if someone on stage turns to you and says, “Doctor, why does my baby have two heads?” you should respond with something like, “Because two heads are better than one.”

Real life is like improv: the script’s always changing, and saying yes keeps you in the flow, pulls for creativity, and makes it more fun. Try saying no out loud or in your mind. How’s that feel? Then say yes. Which one feels better, opens your heart more, and draws you more into the world?

Saying yes to some part of life—to a condition or situation, to a relationship, to your history or personality, or to something happening inside your own mind—does not necessarily mean that you like it. You can say yes to pain, to sorrow, to the things that aren’t going well for you or others.

Your yes means that you accept the facts as they are, that you are not resisting them emotionally even if you are trying with all your might to change them. This will usually bring some peace—and will help any actions you take be more effective.

How

Say yes to something you like. Then yes to something neutral. Both of these are probably easy.

Then say yes to something you don’t like. Can you do that, too? As you do this, try to feel a sense that you are okay, fundamentally, even though what you dislike exists. Also try to feel some acceptance in your yes, some surrender to the facts as they are, whether you like them or not.

Try saying yes to more things that are not your preference. You’re not saying yes that you approve of them, but —for example—yes it’s raining at my picnic, yes people are poor and hungry across the planet, yes my career has stalled, yes I miscarried, yes my dear friend has cancer. Yes that’s the way it is. Yes to being in traffic. Yes to the job you have. Yes to the body you have.

Yes to the twists and turns in your life so far: large and small; good, bad, and indifferent; past, present, and future. Yes to the younger sibling whose birth toppled you from your throne. Yes to your parents’ work and your family circumstances. Yes to your choices after leaving home. Yes to what you had for breakfast. Yes to moving someplace new. Yes to the person you are sleeping with—or yes to not sleeping with anyone. Yes to having children—or to not having them.

Say yes to what arises in the mind. Yes to feelings, sensations, thoughts, images, memories, desires. Yes even to things that need to be restrained—such as an angry impulse to hit something, undeserved self-criticism, or an addiction.

Say yes to all the parts of the people in your life. Yes to the love in your parents and also yes to the parts that bothered you. Yes to a friend’s flakiness amidst her good humor and patience, yes to another friend’s sincerity amidst her irritability and criticalness. Yes to every bit of a child, a relative, a distant acquaintance, an adversary.

And yes to different parts of yourself—whatever they are. Not picking and choosing right now, but saying yes—YES—to whatever is inside you.

Play with different tones of yes (out loud or in your mind) related to different things—including the ones you don’t like—and see how this feels. Try a cautious yes, as well as a yes that is confident, soft, rueful, or enthusiastic.

Feel your yes in your body. To adapt a method from Thich Nhat Hanh: Breathing in, feel something positive; breathing out, say yes. Breathe in energy, breathe out yes. Breathe in calm, breathe out yes.

Say yes to your needs. Yes to the need for more time to yourself, more exercise, more love, fewer sweets, and less anger. Try saying no to these needs in your mind or out loud, and see how that feels. And then say yes to them again.

Say yes to actions. To this kiss this lovemaking this reaching for the salt this brushing of teeth this last goodbye to someone you love.

Notice your nos. And then see what happens if you say yes to some of the things you’ve previously said no to.

Say yes to being alive. Yes to life. Yes to your own life. Yes to each year, each day. Yes to each minute.

Imagine that life is whispering yes. Yes to all beings, and yes to you. Everything you’ve said yes to is saying yes to you. Even the things you’ve said no to are saying yes to you!

Each breath, each heartbeat, each surge across a synapse: each one says yes. Yes, all yes, all saying yes.

Yes.

14. Take More Breaks

As we evolved in hunter-gatherer bands over millions of years, life moved at the pace of a walk, in rhythm with the seasons and with the rising and setting of the sun each day. In many of the hunter-gatherer cultures still existing today, it takes only a few hours a day to find food and shelter. It’s a good guess that our ancient ancestors lived similarly, and spent the rest of their time relaxing, hanging out with friends, and looking at the stars.

Sure, life was tough in other ways, like dodging saber-tooth tigers, yet the point remains that the human body and mind evolved to be in a state of rest or leisure—in other words, on a break—much of the time.

But now, in the twenty-first century, people routinely work ten, twelve, or more hours a day—when you count commuting, working from home, and business travel—to put bread on the table and a roof over their heads. Much the same is true if a person is a stay-at-home parent, since “the village it takes to raise a child” usually looks more like a ghost town these days. Many of us are on the job and on the go from soon after we wake up in the morning and check e-mails or feed children (or both!) to the last time we pull phone messages at night.

It makes you wonder who is “advanced” and who is “primitive”!

The modern, pedal-to-the-metal lifestyle produces chronic stress and tension, and related physical and mental health issues. It also crowds out creative pursuits, friendships, recreation, spiritual life, and time for children and mates. As a therapist, I often see families where one or both parents are dealing with work sixty-plus hours a week; the job is an elephant in the living room, pushing everything else to the margins.

Imagine for a moment that you are sitting comfortably somewhere in your old age and looking back on your life and reflecting. Do you think you are going to wish you had spent more time on the job or doing housework?

Or wish you had spent more time relaxing, hanging out with friends, and looking at the stars?

How

So promise yourself that you’ll take more breaks. Most of them will be brief, even a minute or less. But their accumulating effects will be really good for you.

Here are some methods for getting more breaks; pick the one(s) you like best:

Give yourself permission—Tell yourself that you have worked hard and deserve a little rest; that it’s important for your health; that your productivity will actually increase with more breaks; that even cavemen/women got more breaks than you!

Renounce everything else—When it’s time for a break, drop everything else for that time. Truly “clock out.”

Take lots of microbreaks—Many times a day, step out of the stream of doingness for at least a few seconds: close your eyes for a moment; take a couple of deep breaths; shift your visual focus to the farthest point you can see; repeat a saying or prayer; stand up and move about.

Shift gears—Maybe you have to keep grinding through your To Do list, but at least take a break from task A by doing a different kind of task B.

Get out—Look out the window; go outside and stare up at the sky; find a reason to walk out of a meeting.

Unplug—If only for a few minutes, stop answering your phone(s); shut down e-mails; turn off the TV or radio; take off the earphones.

Make your body happy—Wash your face; eat a cookie; smell something good; stretch; lie down; rub your eyes or ears.

Go on a mental holiday—Remember or imagine a setting (mountain lake? tropical beach? grandma’s kitchen?) that makes you feel relaxed and happy. When you can, go there and enjoy yourself. As I’ve told myself in certain situations, “They may have my body, but they don’t get my mind.”

Keep your stress needle out of the red zone—If you find yourself getting increasingly frustrated or tense in some situation, disengage and take a break before your head explodes. Staying out of “red zone” stress is a serious priority for your long-term health and well-being.

To get at the underlying causes of your busy life and lack of breaks, consider all the things you think you have to do. Can you drop or delegate some of these? And can you take on fewer commitments and tasks in the future?

Personally, I’ve been slowly learning how to say no. No to low priority activities, no to great things I just don’t have time for, no to my appetite for filling up my calendar.

Saying no will help you say yes to your own well-being, to friends, to activities that really feed you, to an uncluttered mind. To the stars twinkling high above your head.

15. Be Glad

In order to keep our ancestors alive in harsh and often lethal settings, neural networks evolved that continually look for, react to, store, and recall bad news—both “out there,” in your environment, and “in here,” inside your own head.

As a consequence, we pay a lot of attention to threats, losses, and mistreatment in our environment—and to our emotional reactions, such as worry, sadness, resentment, disappointment, and anger. We also focus on our own mistakes and flaws—and on the feelings of guilt, shame, inadequacy, and even self-hatred that get stirred up.

There’s a place for noticing and dealing with things that could harm you or others. And a place for improving your own mind and character.

But because of the negativity bias of the brain, most of us go way overboard.

Which is really unfair. It’s not fair to zero in on a bit of bad news and ignore or downplay all the good news around it. The results of that unfairness include uncalled-for anxiety, pessimism, blue moods, and self-doubt. Emphasizing the bad news also primes us to be untrusting or cranky with others.

But if you compensate for the brain’s bias by actively looking for good news—especially the little things you are glad about—then you will feel happier, more at peace with the world, more open to others, and more willing to stretch for your dreams. And as your growing gladness naturally lowers your stress, you’ll likely get physical health benefits as well, such as a stronger immune system.

Now, that’s good news . . . about good news!

How

Look for things to be glad about, like:

Bad things that never happened, or were not as bad as you feared

Relief that hard or stressful times are over

Good things that have happened to you in the past

Good things in your life today, such as: friends, loved ones, children, pets, the health you have, stores stocked with food, public libraries, electricity, positive aspects of your work and finances, activities you enjoy, sunsets, sunrises . . . ice cream!

Good things about yourself, such as positive character traits and intentions

Sink into feelings of gladness:

“Glad” means “pleased with” or “happy about.” So notice what it feels like—in your emotions, body, and thoughts—to be pleased with something or happy about it. When you create a clear sense-memory of a positive mental state, you can find your way back to it again.

Be aware of small, subtle, mild, or brief feelings of gladness.

Stay with the good news. Don’t change the channel so fast!

Notice if your feelings of gladness get hijacked by doubt or worry. Also be honest with yourself, and consider if you are kind of attached to your resentments, grievances, or “case” about other people. It’s okay if it’s hard for you to stay with gladness; it’s really common. Just try to name to yourself what has happened in your mind—such as “hijacking” . . . “brooding” . . . “grumbling”—and then freely decide if you want to spiral down into the bad news, or if you want to focus on good news instead. Make a conscious decision, acknowledge it to yourself, and then act upon it.

Sometime every day, before going to bed, name to yourself at least three things you are glad about.

Share your feelings of gladness:

Make a point of mentioning to others something that you are pleased or happy about (often the little stuff of everyday life).

Look for opportunities to tell another person what you appreciate about him or her.

16. Have Faith

Try a little experiment: in your mind or out loud, complete this sentence a few times: “I have faith in ___________ .” Then complete another sentence a few times: “I have no faith in ___________ .” What do faith—and no faith—feel like?

In your experience of faith, there’s probably a sense of trusting in something—which makes sense since the word comes from the Latin root, “to trust.” (“Faith” can also mean a religion, but my meaning here is more general.) Faith feels good. To have confidence is to have faith; “con+fide” means “with+faith.”

Faith comes from direct experience, reason, trusted sources, and sometimes from something that just feels deeply right and that’s all you can say about it. You could have faith in both biological evolution and heaven. Sometimes faith seems obvious, like expecting water to yield each time you prepare to dive in; other times, faith is more of a conscious choice—an act of faith—such as choosing to believe that your child will be all right as he or she leaves home for college.

What do you have faith in—out there in the world or inside yourself?

For example, I have faith in the sun coming up tomorrow, my partner while rock climbing, science and scholarship, the kindness of strangers, the deliciousness of peaches, the love of my wife, God, and the desire of most people to live in peace. And faith in my determination, coffee-making skills, and generally good intentions.

In your brain, faith (broadly defined to include assumptions and expectations) is an efficient way to conserve neural resources by not figuring things out each time from scratch. The visceral sense of conviction in faith integrates prefrontal logic, limbic emotion, and brainstem arousal.

Without faith in the world and in yourself, life feels shaky and scary. Faith grounds you in what’s reliable and supportive; it’s the antidote to doubt and fear. It strengthens you and supports you in weathering hard times. It helps you stay on your chosen paths, with confidence they will lead to good places. Faith fuels the hope and optimism that encourage the actions that lead to the results that confirm your faith, in a lovely positive cycle. Faith lifts your eyes to the far horizons, toward what’s sacred, even Divine.

How

Sure, some skepticism is good. But going overboard with it leads to an endless loop of mistrusting the world and doubting yourself. You need to have faith that you’ll make good choices about where to have faith! Which means avoiding two pitfalls:

Putting too much trust in the wrong places, such as in people who won’t come through for you, in a business or job that’s unlikely to turn out well, in dogmas and prejudices, or in a habit of mind that harms you—like a guardedness with others that may have worked okay when you were young but is now like walking around in a suit of armor that’s three sizes too small.

Putting too little trust in the right places, such as in the willingness of most people to hear what you really have to say, in the results that will come if you keep plugging away, or in the goodness inside your own heart.

So, first make a list of what you do have faith in—both in the world and in yourself. You can do this in your mind, on paper, or by talking with someone.

Next, ask yourself where your faith might be misplaced—in dry wells or in dogs that won’t hunt. Be sure to consider too much faith in certain aspects of your own mind, such as in beliefs that you are weak or tainted, that others don’t care about you, or that somehow you’re going to get different results by doing pretty much the same old things.

Then pick one instance of misguided faith, and consciously step away from it: reflect on how you came to develop it and what it has cost you; imagine the benefits of a life without it; and develop a different resource to replace it. Repeat these steps for other cases of misplaced faith.

Second, make another list, this one of what you could reasonably have faith in—in the world and in yourself. These are missed opportunities for confidence—such as in people who could be trusted more (including children), in the basic safety of most days for most people, and in your own strengths and virtues.

Then pick one and see if you can have more faith in it. Remember the good reasons for relying upon it. Imagine how more trust in it will help you and others. Consciously choose to believe in it.

Third, consider some of the good qualities and aspirations in your innermost heart. Give yourself over to them for a moment—or longer. What’s that like?

Try to have more faith in the best parts of yourself. They’ve always been faithful to you.

17. Find Beauty

Beauty is that which delights the senses—including the “sixth sense” of the mind.

Different people find beauty in different forms and places. You don’t have to go to a museum, listen to a symphony, or eat a gourmet meal to be in the presence of beauty.

For example, here are some of the (maybe strange) things I find beautiful: A clump of grass in a sidewalk crack. The horn of a train as it moves away. The smell of cinnamon. The curve of highway cloverleafs. Kitchen knives. The faces of nurses. Courage. Falling water. A glazed donut. The touch of cashmere. Foam. Frisbees. Snakes. Geometrical proofs. Worn pennies. The feeling of catching a football.

What are some things that are beautiful to you?

There’s so much beauty all around us. But I think that for many people, there is little sense of this. That was certainly true for me before I started deliberately looking for beauty. And then we wonder why life doesn’t seem very delightful!

What do you feel when you encounter beauty, including in its everyday forms? Perhaps your heart opens, something eases in the mind, there’s pleasure, and your spirits lift. The experience of beauty relieves stress, nourishes hope, and reminds us that there’s much more to life than grinding through tasks. The sense of beauty can also be shared—have you ever admired a sunset with a friend?—bringing you closer to others.

How

Take a few moments each day to open to beauty. Really look at the things around you—particularly at the ordinary things we tend to tune out, such as the sky, appliances, grass, cars, weeds, familiar views, bookshelves, or sidewalks. Try the same with everyday sounds, smells, tastes, and touches. Also seek out lovely memories, feelings, or ideas.

Hunt for beauty like a child looking for seashells on a bountiful beach. Be open to things outside the frame of “nice” or “pretty.” Let yourself be surprised. Find beauty in unexpected places.

When you find beauty, feel it. Open to a growing sense of boundless beauty above and below and stretching in all directions, like you’re floating in a sea of rose petals.

Recognize the beauty in others, in their character, choices, sacrifices, aspirations. Understand the beauty in noble failures, quiet determination, leaps of insight, and joy at the good fortune of others. Hear the beauty of a parent’s voice soothing a child, of friends laughing, of the click and clack of a teacher’s chalk on the blackboard. See the beauty in the face of someone at the very beginning of this life, and see it in the face of someone at the very end.

Recognize the beauty in your own heart. Don’t duck this one: as others are beautiful, so are you.

Make beauty with your hands, your words, and your actions.

Even the breath is beautiful. Breathing in beauty, let beauty breathe you.

18. Be Grateful

We experience gratitude when we are freely given something good.

Therefore, looking for opportunities for gratitude—developing an “attitude of gratitude”—is a great way to notice and enjoy some of the gifts you’ve received.

Gratitude does not mean ignoring difficulties, losses, or injustice. It just means also paying attention to the offerings that have come your way. Especially the little ones of everyday life.

When you do this, you’re resting your mind increasingly on good things moving toward you, on being supported, on feelings of fullness—on the sense of having an open heart that moves toward an open hand.

Fuller and fuller, more and more fed by life instead of drained by it, you naturally feel like you have more of value inside yourself and more to offer to others.

And that is a very good thing. For example, studies by Robert Emmons and others have shown that gratitude is associated with greater well-being, better coping, and even better sleep (McCullough et al. 2001).

How

Prime your pump by bringing to mind someone you naturally feel grateful toward. Perhaps a friend, parent or grandparent, teacher, spiritual being, or pet.

Next, look around and notice, both here and now, and in the past:

The gifts of the physical world, including the stars in the sky, the colors of the rainbow, and the remarkable fact that the seemingly arbitrary constants that determine how atoms stick together in our universe are just right for planets to form and life to develop—enabling you to be here today

The gifts of nature, like the flight of a bird, the creatures that die so we may live, and your amazing brain

The gifts of life, including the marvelous instructions for building a human being woven into the strands of DNA

The gifts of nurturance, helpfulness, good counsel, and love from other people

These gifts are freely offered; no one can possibly earn them. All we can do is be grateful for these gifts, and do what we can in our own little corner of the world to use them well each day.

Let yourself accept these gifts. It would be rude—ungrateful!—to refuse them.

Remember that gratitude is not guilt or indebtedness —both of which actually make it harder to feel grateful. You may feel moved to be generous in turn—including in new directions, such as giving to some out of appreciation for what you have been given by others—but it will come from large-heartedness, not because you think you owe something. Gratitude moves us away from let’s-make-a-deal exchanges in relationships toward a sense of abundance, in which you feel fed beyond measure and in turn give with all your heart without keeping score.

Then recognize the benefits to you of what has been given. Reflect on how it helps you and those you care about, makes you feel good, and fuels your own generosity in turn.

And recognize the benevolence of the giver, whether it is a person, Mother Nature, or the physical universe—or, if this is meaningful to you, something Divine. Don’t minimize the benevolence to avoid feeling unworthy or indebted; open up to it as a telling of the truth, as a giving back to the giver, and as a joyful leaning toward that which is truly gift-giving in your world.

Last, soak up the gifts coming to you, whatever they are. Let them become part of you, woven into your body, brain, and being. As you inhale, as you relax, as you open, take in the good that you’ve been given.

19. Smile

Smiling has many benefits:

Thinking of things that make you smile—like people you love, silly moments, stupid pet tricks, funny movies—helps you feel better right on the spot. Plus it calms down the stress response and releases wholesome neurochemicals like dopamine and natural opioids (e.g., endorphins).

Researchers have found that the facial movements of smiling—independent of what a person actually feels inside—prompt the person to evaluate the world more positively (Niedenthal 2007).

Smiling and the good feelings it encourages promote approach behaviors, a fancy term for paying more attention to the opportunities around you, going after your dreams with more confidence, and reaching out to others.

Through what’s called emotional contagion, when you smile and thus feel and act better, that influences others to feel and act better, too. Then nice positive cycles start rolling through a group—perhaps a family, a team at work, or simply a bunch of friends—in which your smile gets others to smile and be more positive, which snowballs into an even bigger grin for you.

When you smile—authentically, to be sure, not in a false or Dr. Evil sort of way—that tells people you are not a threat, which calms the ancient, evolutionary tendency to be wary of others, and thus inclines them to be more open to you.

How

This is definitely not about putting a happy shiny face on depression, grief, fear, or anger. Smiling then would be phony, and would probably feel awful. But when you feel neutral or experience mild well-being, shifting into a small smile while thinking of good facts that make it real can naturally lift your mood and help you act more effectively.

So, in your mind or on paper, make a list of things that make you smile. Several times a day, look for moments to bring that list to mind . . . and a soft smile to your face.

Then notice the results, in how you feel inside, and in how you act toward others and how they respond to you. Savor these good feelings and successes, taking them in.

Smiling a few more times each day may not seem like much, but it will send wonderful ripples through your brain, body, mind, and relationships.

Now, isn’t that something to smile about?

20. Get Excited

Excitement is energy plus positive emotion, and it is part of joy, passion, and having fun. It may be mild—but it still moves your needle. For example, on my personal 0-10 “thrillometer,” seeing the stars on a clear night is about a 2 while the San Francisco Giants winning the World Series in 2010 was a 10.

When you consider excitement in this expanded way, what moves your own needle, even a little bit? How about the sound of bagpipes, a child’s first steps, traveling someplace new, finishing a project that’s gone well, dancing, laughing, finding something you’ve wanted on super-sale, or hearing a neat idea?

Of course it’s hard, if not impossible, to feel excitement if you are ill or psychologically burdened. The inability to get excited is a sign that something’s not right.

But under normal conditions, without excitement about something, life feels flat, bland, and inert. Passion helps ignite and sustain creativity, entrepreneurship, political action, and committed relationships. Getting excited about something together is bonding; shared enthusiasm makes a movie, concert, political rally, conversation, or lovemaking a lot more rewarding.

As you grew up, your natural liveliness may have been criticized, dampened, or squelched. In particular, passion is woven into both strong emotions and sex; if either of these has been shamed or numbed, so has excitement. Did any of this happen to you? If it did, then gradually making more room for passion in your life—more room for delight, eagerness, and energy—is a joyful way to express yourself more fully.

How

Find something that excites you, even just a bit. Feel the enjoyment in it. See if you can intensify the experience through a quick inhalation, a sense perhaps of energy rising in your body. Lift your chest and head, and let more aliveness come into your face. Register this feeling of excitement, and make room for it in your body. Then as you go through your day, notice what moves your own thrillometer, particularly in subtle ways. Look for things to get excited about!

Tell yourself that it’s okay to get excited, thrilled, or aroused. Take a stand for a life that’s got some juiciness in it. Reflect on your passions as a younger person: What’s happened to them? Should you dust one of them off and recommit to it?

Pick a part of your life that’s become static, perhaps stale—such as cooking, a job, housework, repetitive parts of parenting, even sex—and really pursue ways to pep it up. Try new dishes, turn up the music, get goofy, dance with the baby, vary your routines, and so on.

Be aware of how you might be putting a damper on excitement, such as tightening your body, deadening your feelings, or murmuring thoughts like Don’t stand out . . . Don’t be “too much” for people . . . Don’t be uncool. As you become more mindful of the wet blankets in your own mind, they’ll dry out.

Consider some of the practices for raising energy from yoga, martial arts, or other forms of physical training. These include taking multiple deep breaths (not to the point of lightheadedness), sensing energy in the core of your body a few inches below the navel, jumping up and down a few times, making deep guttural sounds (don’t try this at work!), or visualizing bright light.

Join with the excitement of others. Focus on something that lights up a friend or your partner, and look for things that could be fun, enlivening, or interesting about it for you. Don’t fake anything, but nudge your own energy upwards; get more engaged with the other person’s passion, which may ignite your own.

Don’t rain on other people’s parade—and don’t let them rain on yours. Sure, if you’re getting too revved up, read the social signals and either dial down your energy or take it elsewhere. But be aware that excitement makes some people uncomfortable—to keep their own passions bottled up, they put a lid on those of others—and honestly, that’s their problem, not yours. With this sort of person, you may need to disengage, find others who share your interests, and walk to the beat of your own drummer.

For me, the essence of excitement is enthusiasm—whose root meaning is quite profound: “moved by something extraordinary, even divine.”

PART THREE:

BUILD STRENGTHS

21. Find Strength

To make your way in life—to enjoy the beautiful things it offers, to steer clear of hazards and protect yourself and others, and find friendship and love—you need strength. Not chest-thumping pushiness, but determination and grit.

Strength comes in many forms, including endurance, losing on the little things in order to win on the big ones, and restraint. For example, if you want to move a boat at the edge of a dock, don’t run into it with a big smash; you’ll just hurt yourself. Instead, stand on the edge of the dock, put your hand on the boat, and lean into it. Strength keeps leaning.

Inner strength is not all or nothing. You can build it, just like a muscle.

How

Mental strength draws on physical health, which is fueled by: eating protein at every meal; taking vitamin and mineral supplements daily; exercising several times a week; setting aside seven to nine hours a day for sleep; using intoxicants in moderation or not at all; and addressing and resolving chronic health problems, even seemingly mild ones. If you are not doing these, how about starting today?

Make a list of your strengths, such as intelligence, honesty, bearing pain, natural talents, recognizing good in others, or just surviving. Be accurate—not unfairly self-critical. Recognizing your strengths will help you feel stronger. If it’s appropriate, ask someone what he or she thinks some of your strengths are.

Think about some of the good things you use your strengths for, such as earning a living, raising a family, growing as a person, or making our world better. Tell yourself, It is good for me to be strong. My strength helps good things happen. Good people want me to be strong; anyone who wants me to be weak is not on my side. Notice any beliefs that it is bad to be strong . . . and then turn your attention back to the good reasons for being strong.

To increase your sense of strength, recall times you felt strong. (For me, many of these have involved standing up for others, or physical activities like hiking in wilderness.) What did your body feel like then? What was your posture, point of view, or intention? Explore embodying strength right now: maybe lifting your chin, widening your stance, or breathing deeply. Take in these physical sensations and attitudes of strength so you can tap into them again.

Notice how good it feels to be strong. Feel the pleasure in your body, perhaps a quiet fierceness and resolve. Enjoy the confidence that strength brings, the sense of possibility. Appreciate how your strength empowers your caring, protectiveness, and love.

Tell yourself that you are strong. That you can endure, persist, cope, and prevail. That you are strong enough to hold your experience in awareness without being overwhelmed. That the winds of life can blow, and blow hard, but you are a deeply rooted tree, and winds just make you even stronger.

And when they are done blowing, there you still stand. Offering shade and shelter, flowers and fruit. Strong and lasting.

22. Be Mindful

As we saw in the introduction to this book, the movements of information through your nervous system—which is what I mean by “mental activity,” most of which is unconscious—can create lasting changes in brain structure: “neurons that fire together, wire together.” In particular, this rewiring is accelerated for what’s in the field of focused attention. In effect, attention is like a combination spotlight and vacuum cleaner: it illuminates what it rests upon and then sucks it into your brain.

Since attention is largely under volitional control—you can direct it with conscious effort—you have an extraordinary tool at your disposal all day long to gradually sculpt your brain in positive ways. Unfortunately, most people do not have very good control of their attention: it’s hard for them to rest it where they want and keep it there—such as an important but boring meeting, or the sensations of one breath after another—and hard to pull it away from things that aren’t helpful, like senseless worry, self-critical rumination, or too much TV. The reasons include temperament (for example, anxious, spirited), personal history (for example, losses or traumas that keep them on edge), and our hyper-stimulating, ADD-ish culture.

Happily, attention is very trainable. You really can develop better control of your spotlight/vacuum cleaner. This is where mindfulness comes in—which simply means being steadily aware of something. As you practice being mindful, you will gain more control over your attention.

You could be mindful of what’s around you—perhaps key details at work, the deeper wants of your partner, flowers blooming and children smiling, or where you left the car keys. You could also be mindful of your inner world, such as soft feelings of hurt underneath brittle anger, your good intentions and basic decency, or unrealistic expectations that set you up for disappointment.

Mindfulness has lots of benefits. It brings important information about what’s happening around you and inside you. It helps you witness your experience without being swept away by it, and to hold it in a larger context; as your mindful awareness increases, negative experiences have less impact on you. And the duration and intensity of what you are paying attention to tends to increase its traces in your brain. Consequently, mindfulness really helps you take in positive experiences.

To some extent, mindfulness has become associated with Buddhism, but all the world’s religions and moral traditions value being mindful—rather than mindless! Additionally, mindfulness is increasingly taught in secular settings such as hospitals, corporations, classrooms, professional sports, and military training.

Studies have shown that regular practices of mindfulness:

Thicken cortical layers in regions of the brain that control attention (so you get better at attention itself) (Lazar et al. 2005)

Add neural connection in the insula, a part of the brain that supports both self-awareness and empathy for the emotions of others (Lazar et al. 2005)

Increase the relative activation of the left prefrontal cortex (behind the left side of your forehead), which helps control and reduce negative emotions (Davidson 2004)

Strengthen your immune system (Davidson et al. 2003)

Reduce the impact of pain and accelerate post-surgical recovery (Kabat-Zinn 2003; Kabat-Zinn, Lipworth, and Burney 1985)

Pretty great for a simple method—mindfulness—that you can use, privately and effectively, anywhere you go.

How

Mindfulness is natural. You are already mindful of many things each day. The problem is that most of us remain mindful for only a few seconds at a time. The trick is to have more “episodes” of mindfulness, and to lengthen and deepen them.

So, set aside a minute or more every day to be deliberately mindful—focusing on a specific object of attention (e.g., the sensations of breathing) or opening wide to whatever moves through awareness. You could extend these moments of mindfulness into a longer period of meditation, letting your mind become increasingly clear and peaceful.

Then, throughout the day, add some additional times of mindfulness when you remain stably present with whatever is happening around you and inside you. If you like, use recurring events such as meals, a telephone ringing, or walking through a doorway as reminders to be mindful.

It will support and deepen your mindfulness to bring an attitude of curiosity, openness, non-judgmental acceptance, and even a kind of friendliness to the things you’re aware of. Also try to develop a background awareness of how mindful you are being; in effect, you are paying attention . . . to attention, in order to get better at it.

These practices will gradually train your brain to be more mindful, which will bring you many rewards. For as William James—the first major American psychologist—wrote over a century ago (1890, p. 424): “The faculty of voluntarily bringing back a wandering attention, over and over again, is the very root of judgment, character, and will . . . An education which should improve this faculty would be the education par excellence.”

23. Be Patient

It’s fine to want things to happen in a proper and timely way. But what if you need to hang in there for several years in your current job before you can move on to a better one, or you’re stuck on hold listening to elevator music, going to the mailbox each day for a long-awaited letter, or trying to get a squirming toddler into a car seat? Now what?

Patience means handling delay, difficulty, or discomfort without getting aggravated. Circumstances are what they are, but patience protects you from their impact like a shock absorber.

In contrast, impatience interprets circumstances as you being hindered or mistreated, so you feel frustrated, let down, or annoyed. Then insistence comes in: “This must change!” But by definition you can’t fulfill that commandment (otherwise, there’d be nothing to get impatient about). Impatience combines all three ingredients of toxic stress: unpleasant experiences, pressure or urgency, and lack of control.

Impatience with others contains implicit criticism and irritation—and people want to get away from both of these. Just recall how you feel when someone is impatient with you. Or consider how others react when you are impatient with them.

Impatience is dissatisfaction; it is resistance to the way it is. Patience senses a fundamental alrightness, the doorway to contentment. Impatience is angry; patience is peaceful. Impatience narrows down onto what’s “wrong,” while patience keeps you wide open to the big picture. Impatience can’t stand unpleasant feelings; patience helps you tolerate physical and emotional discomfort. Impatience wants rewards now; patience helps you tolerate delayed gratification, which fosters increased success and sense of worth.

Patience may seem like a superficial virtue, but actually it embodies a deep insight into the nature of things: they’re intertwining, messy, imperfectible, and usually not about you. Patience also contains a wonderful teaching about desire: wish for something, sure, but be at peace when you can’t have it. Patience knows you can’t make the river flow any faster.

How

For an overview, reflect on these questions:

What does patience feel like? Impatience?

How do you feel about someone who’s really patient? And about someone who’s really impatient?

What makes you impatient?

What helps you stay patient?

In challenging situations:

Try to step back from thoughts that make you impatient, such as righteousness, superiority, or insistence. Remember that standards differ among persons and cultures. Remind yourself that there is (usually) nothing truly urgent.

Be aware of any body sensations or emotions triggered by delay or frustration—and see if you can tolerate them without reacting with impatience. Relax your body, come into the present moment, and open to feeling that you are basically all right right now.

Rather than feeling that you are “wasting” time, find things that are rewarding in situations that try your patience; for example, look around and find something beautiful. Pay attention to your breath while relaxing your body, and wish others well. Similarly, rather than viewing yourself as “waiting in” situations, explore the sense of “being in” them. Enjoy the time being.

Try to have compassion for others who seem to be in the way or taking too long. For example, a pet peeve of mine is people who stand in the middle of public doorways, but lately I’ve been realizing they have no idea they’re blocking others.

Pick a conversation—or even a relationship altogether—and deliberately bring more patience to it. You could react more slowly and thoughtfully (and never interrupt), let the other person have more time to talk, and allow minor issues to slide by.

Play with routine situations—such as a meal—and take a few extra seconds or minutes before starting, in order to strengthen your patience muscles.

Offer patience as a gift—to others, dealing with their own issues, and to yourself, wanting true happiness. Life is like a vast landscape with both soft grass and sharp thorns; impatience rails at the thorns; patience puts on a pair of shoes.

24. Enjoy Humility

Some might think that humility means being less than others, a doormat, second-class, or self-effacing.

But actually, it’s none of these. Humility just means that you’re stepping out of the rat race of self-glorification. You’re not trying to build up your ego, impress people, or compete with others for status. You’re not preoccupied with yourself. What a relief!

The root of the word “humble,” comes from the Latin for “ground.” With humility, you abide like the earth itself: solid, unpretentious, creating value without fanfare.

Humility is not humiliation. In fact, relaxed humility builds your confidence: you know your intentions are honorable, and you expect that others will probably be supportive.

In relationships, humility creates comfort and ease. It’s like an open hand, empty of the weapons of superiority, scorn, or self-importance. You’re receptive to others, not presuming your own infinite wisdom; as a result, they’re less likely to feel criticized, and less likely to get defensive or competitive with you. Not chasing praise, you become more aware of your natural worth—which becomes easier for others to see as well; the less you focus on being appreciated, the more appreciation you’ll get.

Humility embodies wisdom. It recognizes that everyone, including the grandest, is humbled by needing to depend on a vast web—of people, technology, culture, nature, sunlight, and biochemistry—to live a single day. Fame is soon forgotten. At the end of it all, we’re each reduced to dust. Humility helps you be at peace with these facts.

How

Healthy humility is grounded in healthy self-worth. Feeling humble does not mean feeling inadequate. If you’re like me and self-worth has been an issue, take steps over time to deepen your felt recognition of your own good qualities with the practices of taking in the good and seeing the good in yourself (chapters 2 and 5). Be mindful of any challenges to self-worth that could lead you to compensate with over-confidence, puffing up your reputation, or preemptive strikes of superiority.

Nor does being humble mean tolerating mistreatment. Speak up and do what you can. Knowing that you are prepared to be assertive makes it easier to relax into the unguardedness of humility.

A humble person wishes all beings well—including oneself. You can still dream big dreams (chapter 40) and help them come true. With humility, you pursue excellence, not fame.

Be honest with yourself about any ways you are not humble, any times you’ve been cocky, pretentious, promoting yourself with exaggerations, or entitled. In particular, try to catch any antihumility in your relationships, such as acting one-up or better-than, or being (even subtly) dismissive or devaluing. Instead, flow more with others: be modest, don’t always try to win the point, don’t interrupt, and don’t claim more than your share of air time or credit.

In your brain, the background murmurings of self-centered preoccupations—I sounded really good there . . . Hope they thought so . . . I wish people praised me more . . . I want to be special—are supported by networks in the top middle portions of your cortex. When you step out of that stream and are simply present with what is, without turning it into a story about yourself, different networks come to the fore, on the sides (especially right) of your head (Farb et al. 2007). You can stimulate these networks and thus strengthen some of the neural substrates of humility by:

Taking a panoramic, big-picture view of situations and your part in them

Sensing your breath as a unified whole, with all the sensations of it appearing in awareness as a single gestalt (rather than attention skipping from sensation to sensation as it typically does)

Explore humility on a global scale. For example, notice any beliefs that your political viewpoint, nation, or spirituality is superior to that of others. Also consider your consumption of the planet’s resources from the perspective of humility; are there any changes you’d like to make?

Throughout, be aware of the rewards of humility. Enjoy how it makes your day simpler, keeps you out of conflicts with others, and brings you peace.

25. Pause

Doing therapy with a child who’s learning better self-control, sometimes I’ll ask if he or she would like to ride a bike with no brakes. The answer—even from the most spirited ones—is always no. They understand that no brakes mean either a boring ride or a crash; paradoxically, brakes let you go fast and have the most fun.

It’s the same in life. Whether you’re faced with criticism at work, a partner whose feelings are hurt, an internal urge to lash out verbally, or an opportunity for some gratification that will cost you later, you’ve got to be able to put on the brakes for a moment—to pause. Otherwise, you’ll likely crash, one way or another.

Your brain works through a combination of excitation and inhibition: gas pedals and brakes. Only about 10 percent of its neurons are inhibitory, but without their vital influence, it’s your brain that would crash. For example, individual neurons that are over-stimulated will die, and seizures involve runaway loops of excitation.

In daily life, pausing provides you with the gift of time. Time to let other people have their say without feeling interrupted. Time for you to find out what’s really going on, calm down and get centered, sort out your priorities, and craft a good response. Time both to bring cool reason to hot feelings, and to enable wholeheartedness to soften hard-edged positions. Time for the “better angels of your nature” to take flight in your mind.

How

Let yourself not act. Sometimes we get so caught up in neverending doing that it becomes a habit. Make it okay with yourself to simply be from time to time.

A few times a day, stop for a few seconds and tune in to what’s going on for you, especially beneath the surface. Use this pause to make space for your experience, like airing out a long-closed closet into a big room. Catch up with yourself.

Before beginning a routine activity, take a moment to become fully present. Try this with meals, starting the car, brushing your teeth, taking a shower, or answering the phone.

After someone finishes speaking to you, take a little longer than usual before you reply. Let the weight of the other person’s words—and more importantly, the person’s underlying wants and feelings—really sink in. Notice how this pause affects you—and affects the other person’s response to you.

If an interaction is delicate or heated, slow it down. You can do this on your own even if the other person keeps rat-a-tat-tatting away. Without being deliberately annoying, you could allow a few seconds more silence (or even longer) before you respond, or speak in a more measured way.

If need be, pause the interaction altogether by suggesting you talk later, calling time out, or (last resort) telling the other person you’re done for now and hanging up the phone. In most relationships, you do not need the permission of the other person to end an interaction! Of course, pausing a conversation (which may have become an argument) midstream is more likely to go well if you also propose another, realistic time to resume.

Before doing something that could be problematic—like getting high, putting a big purchase on a credit card, firing off an irritated e-mail, or talking about person A to person B—stop and forecast the consequences. Try to imagine them in living color: the good, the bad, and the ugly. Then make your choice.

Last, for a minute or more each day, pause globally. Just sit, as a body relaxed and breathing. Letting thoughts and feelings come and go as they will, not chasing after them. Nowhere you need to go, nothing you need to do, no one you need to be. Paused from doing, sinking into being.