Just one thing : developing a Buddha brain one simple practice at a time

Praise for Rick Hanson's Just One Thing

“These are great practices—wise and straightforward, scientific and nourishing. They can transform your life.”

—Jack Kornfield, PhD, author of The Wise Heart and A Path with Heart

“Most people want to be happier, healthier, less stressed, and more self-accepting, but it’s often hard to find time to work toward these goals. The brilliance of this book is that it offers powerful, targeted practices that can be done easily throughout the day to help people reach their highest potential.”

—Kristin Neff, PhD, associate professor at the University of Texas at Austin and author of Self-Compassion

“Delightfully clear and practical, this book distills profound insights from ancient wisdom traditions, modern psychology, and cutting-edge neurobiology into simple techniques anyone can use to live a happier, saner, more rewarding life. I felt more awake and alive after reading just a few pages.”

—Ronald D. Siegel, PsyD, assistant clinical professor of psychology at Harvard Medical School and author of The Mindfulness Solution

“If you are looking for bite-sized daily practices that can open your heart and clear your mind, Just One Thing deserves to be at the top of your reading list. Grounded in fascinating science, psychological understanding, and timeless wisdom, this book offers a rich assortment of entirely simple, doable ways you can find more happiness and ease.”

—Tara Brach, PhD, author of Radical Happiness

“Rick Hanson has done the work for us, distilling decades of self-inquiry and key psychological research into fifty-two essential skills for healthy, happy living. This deceptively simple book is a trustworthy guide to living our lives more deeply and fully. Read, practice, and your brain will surely return the favor.”

—Christopher K. Germer, PhD, clinical instructor at Harvard Medical School and author of The Mindful Path to Self-Compassion

“This gem of a book is the perfect follow-up to Rick Hanson’s brilliant Buddha’s Brain. Just One Thing offers dozens of easy-to-learn practices that slowly work their magic on our brains, making it possible for all of us to dwell in the peaceful contentment of a Buddha. Just One Thing is one of those rare books that becomes a lifelong companion—never far out of reach.”

—Toni Bernhard, author of How to Be Sick: A Buddhist-Inspired Guide for the Chronically Ill and their Caregivers

“Is it improper to be begged by someone you don’t know to buy a book? Then call me improper because I am begging you to give yourself the miracle of Rick Hanson’s grounded science and earthy spirituality. Keep this book close by while giving copies to everyone you love.”

—Jennifer Louden, author of The Woman's Comfort Book and The Life Organizer

“What a way to go through life! These simple yet profound practices train the brain, open the heart, and enhance well-being. Rick Hanson provides the map. If you follow it, you’ll surely increase your happiness and awaken your joy!”

—James Baraz, author of Awakening Joy

“Just One Thing is a very wise, sincere, and heartfelt guide to living well. Rick Hanson skillfully guides you through fifty-two accessible and down-to-earth practices that can transform your outlook on life and health”

—Bob Stahl, PhD, coauthor of A Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction Workbook and Living with Your Heart Wide Open

“Just One Thing is full of simple, down-to-earth steps you can take to experience greater happiness and love in your life. Based in brain science, but written beautifully from the heart, this book is a gem.”

—Marci Shimoff, author of Happy for No Reason

“Rick Hanson has written a superb book that takes on the huge challenge of trying to live well by offering a sensible divide-and-conquer approach. Each of the fifty-two chapters defines a clear target and, utilizing Hanson’s excellent and practical methods, encourages a gentle and regular practice of focus that fosters the gradual evolution of frames of mind and skills that can truly make a difference. Hanson’s ability to inspire the reader with powerful insights, enlightening research findings, compassion, and mindful clarity of purpose make this one of those uncommon books I will enthusiastically recommend to those seeking to improve their quality of life.”

—Michael D. Yapko, PhD, clinical psychologist and author of Mindfulness and Hypnosis and Depression Is Contagious

“This book provides finely chiseled stepping stones on the path to lasting well-being and fulfillment. Rick Hanson has honed them with his unique, trustworthy blend of wisdom, clarity, and great love.”

—Raphael Cushnir, author of The One Thing Holding You Back

“An owner’s manual for the brain written in the simple, intuitive language our brains understand: short, pithy, easily-digestible nuggets that you can feel and remember. Extrapolating from neuroscience and skillfully synchronizing it with the insights of psychology and dharma, Hanson’s voice shines through every page. Sane, helpful, deeply reassuring, and yet strong, clear, and penetrating, this is a helpful guide you can trust.”

—Terry Patten, author of Integral Life Practice

“Just One Thing is just the thing for people who have full lives and can sometimes find only brief interludes for reflection and self-improvement. But don’t be fooled—these bite-size chapters hold scientific insight, practical tools, and simple, direct, profound wisdom that will nourish your brain and your being as you navigate through daily life.”

—Cassandra Vieten, PhD, director of research at the Institute of Noetic Sciences and author of Living Deeply and Mindful Motherhood

“Just One Thing is a brilliant, concise, and wise book for people who want to live with greater ease, joy, and skill. It clarifies the five foundations of living a great life and provides powerful practices to help people live more fully. While the form in which Just One Thing is written may appear simple, the messages are deep, profound, and useful. I highly recommend this book to anyone who dreams of thriving.”

—Daniel Ellenberg, PhD, president of Relationships That Work

“Rick Hanson speaks from experience. He offers us simple, accessible, and fun insights and exercises that have real psychological benefits and practical value for a better life.”

—Elisha Goldstein, PhD, author of The Now Effect and coauthor of A Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction Workbook

“Anyone who thinks neuroscience is for the erudite will be pleasantly surprised by Rick Hanson’s new book. Just One Thing has many, many things in store for readers, especially those interested in maximizing their brain potential, and, in fact, their life potential. Hanson not only presents a vast array of tried-and-true insights, but also spells out how each principle can be applied day by day and backs everything up with scientific understanding.”

—Stan Tatkin, PsyD, assistant clinical professor in the department of family medicine at the University of California, Los Angeles, and author of Wired for Love

“Just One Thing is just about everything you could want from a self-help book! It offers fascinating bits of information from recent neuroscience about our brains and nervous systems, along with simple exercises that can help us overcome our inherited programming. Just One Thing is a singular gift to us all!”

—Wes Nisker, Buddhist meditation teacher, author, and performer

“The word that comes to mind when reading this gently wise book is kindness. Rick Hanson has a kindness that pervades the pages, while his writing remains grounded in science and spirituality. Peace and subtle change can arrive for you as you read and put into practice the compassionate, simple, yet powerful ideas and practices contained in Just One Thing.”

—Bill O’Hanlon, featured Oprah guest and author of Do One Thing Different

“All of these tiny prescriptions, each one wrapped around a nugget of wisdom, make a happy life seem feasible and within easy reach.”

—Sylvia Boorstein, PhD, author of Happiness Is an Inside Job

“Rick Hanson brings his compelling perspective—he is both a neuropsychologist and an experienced meditation practitioner—to this pragmatic consideration of wisdom practices. Down-to-earth and inspiring, Just One Thing is a companionable guidebook for inner travelers on a path of transformation, written by one who knows the territory well.”

—Sharon Salzberg, author of Real Happiness and Lovingkindness

“By giving us simple practices for rewiring our neural networks, Rick Hanson is literally reminding us about what is truly important. I plan to devote a week to each of the fifty-two practices, taking this next year to cultivate the compassion at the heart of this book.”

—Gordon Peerman, author of Blessed Relief: What Christians Can Learn from Buddhists about Suffering

“Just One Thing is more than just one more thing for you to read. It is Rick Hanson’s gift drawn from four decades of learning about how to live with wisdom and peace. This book is filled with small, easy–to-understand lessons on how to live a meaningful life. These insights will surely enHanson your life! Each small essay explores the essential questions of our times: How do we find inner clarity in the face of outer turmoil? How do we feel less stress and learn to be more at home in our own skin? This gem of a book is filled with treasures that will build your relationships with others—and with yourself! I loved soaking in the clarity and sincerity of these offerings that invite us to enter life with more vitality and to live each day to the fullest. Feast on these pages and enjoy!”

—Daniel J. Siegel, MD, clinical professor at the University of California, Los Angeles School of Medicine and author of Mindsight and the Pocket Guide to Interpersonal Neurobiology

“There is joy and energy in learning to be kind to yourself and others. This book gently challenges you to do just that—step by step, practice by practice, day by day. The sense of wholeness that results will make a profound difference in your life.”

—Steven C. Hayes, PhD, author of Get Out of Your Mind and Into Your Life

Publisher’s Note

This publication is designed to provide accurate and authoritative information in regard to the subject matter covered. It is sold with the understanding that neither the publisher nor the author is engaged in rendering psychological, financial, legal, or other professional services. If expert assistance or counseling is needed, the services of a competent professional should be sought.

Distributed in Canada by Raincoast Books

Copyright © 2011 by Rick Hanson

New Harbinger Publications, Inc.

5674 Shattuck Avenue

Oakland, CA 94609

www.newharbinger.com

All Rights Reserved.

Author photograph by Stephanie Mohan; Cover design by Amy Shoup; Text design by Michele Waters-Kermes; Acquired by Melissa Kirk

Epub ISBN: 9781608825691

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Hanson, Rick.

Just one thing : developing a Buddha brain one simple practice at a time / Rick Hanson.

p. cm.

Includes bibliographical references and index.

ISBN 978-1-60882-031-3 (pbk.) -- ISBN 978-1-60882-032-0 (pdf e-book) 1. Meditation--Buddhism. 2. Buddhism and science. 3. Happiness. 4. Wisdom. I. Title.

BQ5612.H36 2011

294.3’444--dc23

2011020403

For Jan—my amazing, spectacular, and precious wife

Contents

introduction

PART 1: BE GOOD TO YOURSELF

1. BE FOR YOURSELF

2. TAKE IN THE GOOD

3. HAVE COMPASSION FOR YOURSELF

4. RELAX

5. SEE THE GOOD IN YOURSELF

6. SLOW DOWN

7. FORGIVE YOURSELF

8. GET MORE SLEEP

9. BEFRIEND YOUR BODY

10. NOURISH YOUR BRAIN

11. PROTECT YOUR BRAIN

PART 2: ENJOY LIFE

12. TAKE PLEASURE

13. SAY YES

14. TAKE MORE BREAKS

15. BE GLAD

16. HAVE FAITH

17. FIND BEAUTY

18. BE GRATEFUL

19. SMILE

20. GET EXCITED

PART 3: BUILD STRENGTHS

21. FIND STRENGTH

22. BE MINDFUL

23. BE PATIENT

24. ENJOY HUMILITY

25. PAUSE

26. HAVE INSIGHT

27. USE YOUR WILL

28. TAKE REFUGE

29. RISK THE DREADED EXPERIENCE

30. ASPIRE WITHOUT ATTACHMENT

31. KEEP GOING

PART 4: ENGAGE THE WORLD

32. BE CURIOUS

33. ENJOY YOUR HANDS

34. DON’T KNOW

35. DO WHAT YOU CAN

36. ACCEPT THE LIMITS OF YOUR INFLUENCE

37. TEND TO THE CAUSES

38. DON’T BE ALARMED

39. PUT OUT FIRES

40. DREAM BIG DREAMS

41. BE GENEROUS

PART 5: BE AT PEACE

42. NOTICE YOU’RE ALL RIGHT RIGHT NOW

43. HONOR YOUR TEMPERAMENT

44. LOVE YOUR INNER CHILD

45. DON’T THROW DARTS

46. RELAX ANXIETY ABOUT IMPERFECTION

47. RESPOND, DON’T REACT

48. DON’T TAKE IT PERSONALLY

49. FEEL SAFER

50. FILL THE HOLE IN YOUR HEART

51. LET GO

52. LOVE

References

introduction

Using Your Mind to Change Your Brain

This is a book of practices—simple things you can do routinely, mainly inside your mind, that will support and increase your sense of security and worth, resilience, effectiveness, well-being, insight, and inner peace. For example, they include taking in the good, protecting your brain, feeling safer, relaxing anxiety about imperfection, not knowing, enjoying your hands, taking refuge, and filling the hole in your heart.

At first glance, you may be tempted to underestimate the power of these seemingly simple practices. But they will gradually change your brain through what’s called experience-dependent neuroplasticity.

Moment to moment, whatever you’re aware of—sounds, sensations, thoughts, or your most heartfelt longings—is based on underlying neural activities; the same goes for unconscious mental processes such as the consolidation of memory or the control of breathing. Exactly how the physical brain produces nonphysical consciousness remains a great mystery. But apart from the possible influence of transcendental factors—call them God, Spirit, the Ground, or by no name at all—there is a one-to-one mapping between mental and neural activities.

It’s a two-way street: as your brain changes, your mind changes; and as your mind changes, your brain changes. This means—remarkably—that what you pay attention to, what you think and feel and want, and how you work with your reactions to things all sculpt your brain in multiple ways:

Busy regions get more blood flow, since they need more oxygen and glucose.

The genes inside neurons get more or less active; for example, people who routinely relax have improved expression of genes that calm down stress reactions, making them more resilient (Dusek et al. 2008).

Neural connections that are relatively inactive wither away; it’s a kind of neural Darwinism, the survival of the busiest: use it or lose it.

“Neurons that fire together, wire together.” This saying from the work of the psychologist Donald Hebb means that active synapses—the connections between neurons—get more sensitive, plus new synapses grow, producing thicker neural layers. For example, cab drivers who have to memorize the spaghetti snarl of streets in London have a thicker hippocampus—a part of the brain that helps make visual-spatial memories—at the end of their training (Maguire et al. 2000). Similarly, people who routinely practice mindfulness meditation develop thicker layers of neurons in the insula—a region that activates when you tune in to your body and your feelings—and in parts of the prefrontal cortex (in the front of your brain) that control attention (Lazar et al. 2005).

The details are complex, but the key point is simple: how you use your mind changes your brain—for better or worse.

There’s a traditional saying that the mind takes the shape it rests upon; the modern update is that the brain takes the shape the mind rests upon. For instance, you regularly rest your mind upon worries, self-criticism, and anger, then your brain will gradually take the shape—will develop neural structures and dynamics—of anxiety, low sense of worth, and prickly reactivity to others. On the other hand, if you regularly rest your mind upon, for example, noticing you’re all right right now, seeing the good in yourself, and letting go—three of the practices in this book—then your brain will gradually take the shape of calm strength, self-confidence, and inner peace.

You can’t stop your brain from changing. The only question is: Are you getting the changes you want?

All It Takes Is Practice

That’s where practice comes in, which simply means taking regular action—in thought, word, or deed—to increase positive qualities in yourself and decrease negative ones. For example, studies have shown that being mindful (chapter 22) increases activation of the left prefrontal cortex and thus lifts mood (since that part of the brain puts the brakes on negative emotions) (Davidson 2004), and it decreases activation of the amygdala, the alarm bell of the brain (Stein, Ives-Deliperi, and Thomas 2008). Similarly, having compassion for yourself (chapter 3) builds up resilience and lowers negative rumination (Leary et al. 2007).

Basically, practice pulls weeds and plants flowers in the garden of your mind—and thus in your brain. That improves your garden, plus it makes you a better gardener: you get more skillful at directing your attention, thinking clearly, managing your feelings, motivating yourself, getting more resilient, and riding life’s roller-coaster.

Practice also has built-in benefits that go beyond the value of the particular practice you’re doing. For example, doing any practice is an act of kindness toward yourself; you’re treating yourself like you matter—which is especially important and healing if you have felt as a child or an adult that others haven’t respected or cared about you. Further, you’re being active rather than passive—which increases optimism, resilience, and happiness, and reduces the risk of depression. At a time when people often feel pushed by external forces—such as financial pressures, the actions of others, or world events—and by their reactions to these, it’s great to have at least some part of your life where you feel like a hammer instead of a nail.

Ultimately, practice is a process of personal transformation, gradually pulling the roots of greed, hatred, heartache, and delusion—broadly defined—and replacing them with contentment, peace, love, and clarity. Sometimes this feels like you’re making changes inside yourself, and at other times it feels like you’re simply uncovering wonderful, beautiful things that were always already there, like your natural wakefulness, goodness, and loving heart.

Either way, you’re in the process of developing what one could call a “buddha brain,” a brain that understands, profoundly, the causes of suffering and its end—for the root meaning of the word “buddha,” is “to know, to awake.” (I’m not capitalizing that word here in order to distinguish my general focus from the specific individual, the great teacher called the Buddha.) In this broad sense, anyone engaged in psychological growth or spiritual practice—whether Christian, Jewish, Muslim, Hindu, agnostic, atheist, or none of these—is developing a buddha brain and its related qualities of compassion, virtue, mindfulness, and wisdom.

The Law of Little Things

Now, if a practice is a hassle, most people (including me) are not going to do it. So the practices in this book involve either brief actions a few times a day—like finding beauty (chapter 17)—or simply a general attitude or perspective, such as relaxing anxiety about imperfection (chapter 46) or not taking life so personally (chapter 48).

Each moment of practice is usually small in itself, but those moments really add up. It’s the law of little things: because of slowly accumulating changes in neural structure due to mental activity, lots of little things can wear down your well-being—and lots of little things can get you to a better place. It’s like exercise: any single time you run, do Pilates, or lift weights won’t make much difference—but over time, you’ll build up your muscles. In the same way, small efforts made routinely will gradually build up the “muscle” of your brain. You really can have confidence, grounded in the latest brain science, that practice will pay off.

How to Use This Book

But you have to stick with it—so it really helps to focus on one main practice at a time. Life these days is so busy and complicated that it’s great to have just one thing to keep in mind.

Of course, it’s got to be the right “one thing.” For forty years, I’ve been doing practices—first as a young person looking for happiness, then as a husband and father dealing with work and family life, and now as a neuropsychologist and meditation teacher—and teaching them to others. For this book, I’ve picked the best practices I know to build up the neural substrates—the foundations—of resilience, resourcefulness, well-being, and inner peace. I didn’t invent a single one: they’re the fundamentals that people make New Year’s resolutions about but rarely do—and it’s the doing that makes all the difference in the world.

You can do these practices in several ways. First, you could find one particular practice that by itself makes a big difference for you. Second, you can focus on the practices within a section of the book that addresses specific needs, such as part 1 on being good to yourself if you’re self-critical, or part 5 on being at peace if you’re anxious or irritable. Third, you could move around from practice to practice depending on what strikes your fancy or feels like it would help you the most right now. Fourth, you could take a week for each one of the fifty-two practices here, giving yourself a transformational “year of practice.”

Whatever your approach is, I suggest you keep it simple and focus on one practice at a time—whether that time is an event or situation (e.g., a ticklish conversation with your mate, a crunch project at work, a meditation), a day, or longer. And in the back of your mind, other practices and their benefits can certainly be operating; for example, not taking things personally (chapter 48) could be in the foreground of awareness while taking refuge (chapter 28) is in the background.

Know what your practice is each day; the more you keep it in awareness, the more it will benefit you. Besides simply thinking about this practice from time to time, you could rest your mind even more upon it by putting up little reminders about it—such as a key word on a sticky note—or journaling about it or telling a friend what you’re doing. You could also weave your practice into psychological or spiritual activities, such as psychotherapy, yoga, meditation, or prayer.

Working with just fifty-two practices, I’ve had to make some choices:

The practices are super-succinct; more could be said about each one of them. The title of each chapter is the practice. Chapters begin by answering why to do that practice, and then tell you how to do it. Chapter lengths vary depending on their subject.

With the exception of the very last practice, I’ve emphasized things done within yourself—such as being grateful (chapter 18)—rather than between yourself and others. (If you’re interested in interpersonally focused practices in the Just One Thing (JOT) style, you might like my free e-newsletter by that name at www.RickHanson.net.) Meanwhile, you could apply the practices in this book to one or more relationships, or engage in them with a buddy—such as a friend or a mate—or as a group (e.g., family, team at work, reading group).

Most practices here involve taking action inside your mind—and of course it’s also important to take action in your body and in the world around you.

There are three fundamental phases to psychological and spiritual growth: being with difficult material (e.g., old wounds, anger); releasing it; and replacing it with something more beneficial. In a nutshell, you let be, let go, and let in. You’ll find practices for each of these phases, though I’ve concentrated on the third one because it’s often the most direct and rapid way to reduce stress and unhappiness and develop positive qualities in yourself.

While I experience and believe that something transcendental is involved with both mind and matter, I’ve stayed here within the frame of Western science.

As you engage these practices, have some fun with them. Don’t take them (or yourself) too seriously. Feel free to be creative and adapt them to your own needs. For example, the How sections usually contain multiple suggestions, and you don’t have to do all of them; just find the ones that do the most for you.

Throughout, take good care of yourself. Sometimes a practice will be too hard to sustain, or it will stir up painful issues. Then just drop it—for a while, or indefinitely. Draw on resources for practices; for example, deepening your sense of being cared about by others will help you forgive yourself (chapter 7). Remember that practice does not replace appropriate professional mental or physical health care.

Keep Going

People recognize that they’ve got to make an effort over time to become more skillful at driving a truck, running a department, or playing tennis. Yet it’s common to think that becoming more skillful with one’s own mind should somehow come naturally, without effort or learning.

But because the mind is grounded in biology, in the physical realm, the same laws apply: the more you put in, the more you get back. To reap the rewards of practice, you need to do it, and keep doing it.

Again, it’s like exercise: if you do it only occasionally, you’ll get only a little improvement; on the other hand, if you do it routinely, you’ll get a large improvement. I’ve heard people talk like making efforts inside the mind is some kind of lightweight activity, but in fact it’s always a matter of resolve and diligence—and sometimes it’s very challenging and uncomfortable. Practice is not for wusses. You will earn its benefits.

So honor yourself for your practice. While it’s down-to-earth and ordinary, it’s also aspirational and profound. When you practice, you are nourishing, joining with, and uncovering the very best things about you. You are taking the high road, not the low one. You’re drawing on sincerity, determination, and grit. You’re taming and purifying the unruly mind—and the jungle that is the brain, with its reptilian, mammalian, and primate layers. You’re offering beautiful gifts to your future self—the one being in the world you have the most power over and therefore the greatest duty to. And the fruits of your practice will ripple outward in widening circles, benefiting others, both known and unknown. Never doubt the power of practice, or how far your own chosen path of practice can take you.

I wish you the best on your path!

PART ONE:

BE GOOD TO YOURSELF

1. Be for Yourself

To take any steps toward your own well-being—such as the practices in this book—you have got to be on your own side. Not against others, but for yourself.

For many people, that’s harder than it sounds. Maybe you were raised to think you didn’t count as much as other people. Maybe when you’ve tried to stick up for yourself, you’ve been blocked or knocked down. Maybe deep down you feel you don’t deserve to be happy.

Think about what it’s like to be a good friend to someone. Then ask: Am I that kind of friend to myself?

If not, you could be too hard on yourself, too quick to feel you’re falling short, too dismissive of what you get done each day. Or too half-hearted about protecting yourself from mistreatment or telling others what you really need. Or too resigned to you own pain, or too slow about doing those things—both inside your head and outside it, in the wider world—to make your life better.

Plus, how can you truly help others if you don’t start by helping yourself?

The foundation of all practice is to wish yourself well, to let your own sorrows and needs and dreams matter to you. Then, whatever you do for yourself will have real oomph behind it!

How

Several times a day, ask yourself: Am I on my own side here? Am I looking out for my own best interests? (Which will often include the best interests of others.)

Good times to do this:

If you feel bad (e.g., sad, hurt, worried, disappointed, mistreated, frustrated, stressed, or irritated)

If someone is pushing you to do something

If you know you should do something for your own benefit but you’re not doing it (like asserting yourself with someone, looking for a new job, or quitting smoking)

At these times, or in general:

Bring to mind the feeling of being with someone who cares about you. This will help you feel like you matter and have worth, which is the basis of being for yourself.

Recall what it feels like to be for someone. Perhaps a child, pet, or dear friend. Notice different aspects of this experience, such as loyalty, concern, warmth, determination, or advocacy. Let the sense of being on someone’s side be big in your awareness. Let your body shift into a posture of support and advocacy: perhaps sitting or standing a little more erect, chest coming up a bit, eyes more intent; you’re strengthening the experience of being for someone by drawing on embodied cognition, on the sensorimotor systems in your brain that underlie and shape your thoughts and feelings.

Recall a time when you had to be strong, energetic, fierce, or intense on your own behalf. It could be as simple as the experience of the last part of an exercise routine, when you had to use every last ounce of willpower to finish it. Or it could be a time you had to escape from a serious danger, or stand up for yourself against an intimidating person, or doggedly grind out a big project in school or work. As in the bullet point just above, open to this experience and shift into embodying it so it is as real as possible for you, and so that you are stimulating and thus strengthening its underlying neural networks.

See yourself as a young child—sweet, vulnerable, precious—and extend this same attitude of loyalty, strength, and caring toward that little boy or girl. (You could get a picture of yourself as a kid and carry it in your wallet or purse, and look at it from time to time.)

Imagine having this same sense and stance of loyalty, strength, and caring for yourself today.

Be mindful of what it feels like in your body to be on your own side. Open to and encourage that feeling as much as possible. Notice any resistance to it and try to let it go.

Ask yourself: Being on my own side, what’s the best thing to do here?

Then, as best you can, do it.

Remember:

Being for yourself simply means that you care about yourself. You wish to feel happy instead of worried, sad, guilty, or angry. You want people to treat you well instead of badly. You want to help your future self—the person you’ll be next week, next year, next decade—to have as good a life as possible.

Your experience matters, both for the moment-to-moment experience of living and for the lasting traces that your thoughts and feelings leave behind in the structure of your brain.

It is moral to treat people with decency, respect, compassion, and kindness. Well, “people” includes you! You have as many rights, and your opinions and needs and dreams have as much standing, as those of anyone else in the world.

When you take good care of yourself, then you have more to offer others, from the people close to you to the whole wide world.

2. Take in the Good

Scientists believe that your brain has a built-in negativity bias (Baumeister et al. 2001; Rozin and Royzman 2001). This is because, as our ancestors dodged sticks and chased carrots over millions of years of evolution, the sticks had the greater urgency and impact on survival.

This negativity bias shows up in lots of ways. For example, studies have found that:

The brain generally reacts more to a negative stimulus than to an equally intense positive one (Gottman 1995).

Animals—including us—typically learn faster from pain than from pleasure (Rozin and Royzman 2001); once burned, twice shy.

Painful experiences are usually more memorable than pleasurable ones (Baumeister et al. 2001).

Most people will work harder to avoid losing something they have than they’ll work to gain the same thing (Rozin and Royzman 2001).

Lasting, good relationships typically need at least a 5:1 ratio of positive to negative interactions (Gottman 1995).

In your own mind, what do you usually think about at the end of the day? The fifty things that went right, or the one that went wrong? Such as the driver who cut you off in traffic, or the one thing on your To Do list that didn’t get done . . .

In effect, the brain is like Velcro for negative experiences, but Teflon for positive ones. That shades implicit memory—your underlying feelings, expectations, beliefs, inclinations, and mood—in an increasingly negative direction.

Which is not fair, since most of the facts in your life are probably positive or at least neutral. Besides the injustice of it, the growing pile of negative experiences in implicit memory naturally makes a person more anxious, irritable, and blue—plus it gets harder to be patient and giving toward others.

But you don’t have to accept this bias! By tilting toward the good—toward that which brings more happiness and benefit to oneself and others—you merely level the playing field. Then, instead of positive experiences washing through you like water through a sieve, they’ll collect in implicit memory deep down in your brain.

You’ll still see the tough parts of life. In fact, you’ll become more able to change them or bear them if you take in the good, since that will help put challenges in perspective, lift your energy and spirits, highlight useful resources, and fill up your own cup so you have more to offer to others.

And by the way, in addition to being good for adults, taking in the good is great for children, too, helping them to become more resilient, confident, and happy.

How

1. Look for good facts, and turn them into good experiences.

Good facts include positive events—like finishing a batch of e-mails or getting a compliment—and positive aspects of the world and yourself. Most good facts are ordinary and relatively minor—but they are still real. You are not looking at the world through rose-colored glasses, but simply recognizing something that is actual and true.

Then, when you’re aware of a good fact—either something that currently exists or has happened in the past—let yourself feel good about it. So often in life a good thing happens—flowers are blooming, someone is nice, a goal’s been attained—and you know it, but you don’t feel it. This time, let the good fact affect you.

Try to do this step and the two that follow at least a half dozen times a day. When you do this, it usually takes only half a minute or so—there is always time to take in the good! You can do it on the fly in daily life, or at special times of reflection, like just before falling asleep (when the brain is especially receptive to new learning).

Be aware of any reluctance toward having positive experiences. Such as thinking that you don’t deserve to, or that it’s selfish, vain, or shameful to feel pleasure. Or that if you feel good, you will lower your guard and let bad things happen.

Then turn your attention back to the good facts. Keep opening up to them, breathing and relaxing, letting them move your needle. It’s like sitting down to a meal: don’t just look at it—taste it!

2. Really enjoy the experience.

Most of the time, a good experience is pretty mild, and that’s fine. Simply stay with it for ten, twenty, even thirty seconds in a row—instead of getting distracted by something else.

Soften and open around the experience; let it fill your mind; give over to it in your body. (From a meditative perspective, this is a kind of concentration practice—for a dozen seconds or more—in which you become absorbed in a positive experience.) The longer that something is held in awareness and the more emotionally stimulating it is, the more neurons that fire and thus wire together, and the stronger the trace in implicit memory.

In this practice, you are not clinging to positive experiences, since that would lead to tension and disappointment. Actually, you are doing the opposite: by taking them in, you will feel better fed inside, and less fragile or needy. Your happiness will become more unconditional, increasingly based on an inner fullness rather than on external conditions.

3. Intend and sense that the good experience is sinking in to you.

People do this in different ways. Some feel it in the body as a warm glow spreading through the chest like the warmth of a cup of hot cocoa on a cold wintry day. Others visualize things like a golden syrup sinking down inside; a child might imagine a jewel going into a treasure chest in his or her heart. And some might simply know that while this good experience is held in awareness, its related neural networks are busily firing and wiring together.

Any single time of taking in the good will usually make just a little difference. But over time those little differences will add up, gradually weaving positive experiences into the fabric of your brain and your whole being.

In particular, as you do the practices in this book—or engage any process of psychological healing and growth, or spiritual development—really take in the fruits of your efforts. Help them stick to your mental/neural ribs!

3. Have Compassion for Yourself

Life is full of wonderful experiences. But it has its hard parts as well, such as physical and mental discomfort, ranging from subtle to agonizing. This is the realm of suffering, broadly defined.

When someone you care about suffers, you naturally have compassion: the wish that a being not suffer, usually with a feeling of sympathetic concern. For example, if your child falls and hurts himself, you want him to be out of pain; if you hear that a friend is in the hospital, or out of work, or going through a divorce, you feel for her and hope that everything will be all right. Compassion is in your nature: it’s an important part of the neural and psychological systems we evolved to nurture children, bond with mates, and hold together “the village it takes to raise a child” (Goetz, Keltner, and Simon-Thomas 2010).

You can also have compassion for yourself—which is not self-pity. You’re simply recognizing that “this is tough, this hurts,” and bringing the same warmhearted wish for suffering to lessen or end that you would bring to any dear friend grappling with the same pain, upset, or challenge as you.

Studies have shown that self-compassion has many benefits (Leary et al. 2007), including:

Reducing self-criticism

Lowering stress hormones like cortisol

Increasing self-soothing, self-encouragement, and other aspects of resilience

Helping to heal any shortages of caring from others in your childhood

That’s a pretty good list!

Self-compassion usually takes only a handful of seconds. And then—more centered and heartened—you can get on with doing what you can to make your life better.

How

Maybe your back hurts, or you’ve had a miserable day at work, or someone has barked at you unfairly. Or, honestly, maybe you just feel bad, even depressed. Whatever it is, some self-compassion could help. Now what?

Self-compassion comes naturally for some people (particularly those with a well-nurtured childhood). But it’s not that easy for a lot of us, especially those who are self-critical, driven, stoic, or think it’s self-indulgent to be caring toward themselves.

So here are some steps for calling up self-compassion, which you could blend together as self-compassion becomes easier for you:

Take a moment to acknowledge your difficulties: your challenges and suffering.

Bring to mind the feeling of being with someone you know cares about you. Perhaps a dear friend, a family member, a spirit, God . . . even a pet. Let yourself feel that you matter to this being, who wants you to feel good and do well in life.

Bring to mind your difficulties, and imagine that this being who cares about you is feeling and expressing compassion for you. Imagine his or her facial expression, gestures, stance, and attitude toward you. Let yourself receive this compassion, taking in its warmth, concern, and goodwill. Open to feeling more understood and nurtured, more peaceful and settled. The experience of receiving caring primes circuits in your brain to give it.

Imagine someone you naturally feel compassion for: perhaps a child, or a family member. Imagine how you would feel toward that person if he or she were dealing with whatever is hard for you. Let feelings of compassion fill your mind and body. Extend them toward that person, perhaps visualized as a kind of light radiating from you (maybe from your heart). Notice what it’s like to be compassionate.

Now, extend the same sense of compassion toward yourself. Perhaps accompany it with words like these, heard softly in the back of your mind: May this pain pass . . . may things improve for me . . . may I feel less upset over time. Have some warmth for yourself, some acknowledgment of your own difficulties and pain, some wish for things to get better. Feel that this compassion is sinking in to you, becoming a part of you, soothing and strengthening you.

4. Relax

It’s easy to feel stressed these days. Or worried, frustrated, or irritated about one thing or another, such as finances, work, the health of a family member, or a relationship.

When you get stressed or upset, your body tenses up to fight, flee, or freeze. That’s Mother Nature’s way, and its short-term benefits kept our ancestors alive to pass on their genes.

But today—when people can live seventy or eighty years or more, and when quality of life (not mere survival) is a priority—we pay a high, long-term price for daily tension. It leads to health problems like heart disease, poor digestion, backaches and headaches, and hormonal ups and downs. And to psychological problems, including anxiety, irritability, and depression.

The number one way to reduce tension is through relaxation. Besides its benefits for physical and mental health, relaxation feels great. Just recall how nice it feels to soak in a tub, curl up in bed, or plop on the couch after the dishes are done.

Whether you’re stuck in traffic, wading through an overflowing in-box, or having a tough conversation, being able to relax your body at will is a critically important inner skill.

How

Here are some good ways to activate the “rest-and-digest” parasympathetic nervous system (PNS) that calms down the fight-or-flight sympathetic nervous system:

PNS fibers, involved with digestion, fill the mouth. So relax your tongue and jaw; perhaps touch your lips. (If I’m having a hard time sleeping, sometimes I’ll rest a knuckle against my lips, which has a soothing and calming effect.)

Open your lips slightly. This can help ease stressful thinking by reducing subvocalizations, the subtle, unconscious movements of the jaw and tongue often associated with mental speech.

Do several long exhalations, since the PNS handles exhaling. For example inhale for a count of three, and exhale for a count of six.

For a minute or more, breathe in such a way that your inhalation and exhalation are equally long; count mentally up to five for each inhalation and each exhalation. This creates small but smooth changes in the interval between heartbeats—since the heart speeds up slightly with inhalation and slows down slightly with exhalation—which is associated with relaxation and well-being (Kristal-Boneh et al. 1995).

Relax your diaphragm—the muscle underneath your lungs that helps suck air into them—by putting your hand on your stomach, just below your rib cage, and then trying to breathe in a way that pushes your hand half an inch or so away from your backbone. (This is especially helpful if you’re feeling anxious.)

Try these methods in stressful situations, or any time you’re feeling worried or frustrated; they really work! Also use them “offline,” when things are more settled, such as by setting aside a few minutes each day—perhaps just before bed—to practice relaxation. The resting state of your body-mind will become more peaceful, and you’ll become more resilient when things hit the fan. For example, researchers have found that practicing relaxation actually increases the expression of genes that calm down the stress response (Dusek et al. 2008).

5. See the Good in Yourself

There is good in every person—but it’s often easier to see in others than in yourself. For example, think about a friend: What do you like about him or her? Including qualities such as sense of humor, fairness, honesty, intelligence, soul, patience, passion, helpfulness, curiosity, determination, talent, spunk, or a good heart.

Seeing these positive characteristics in your friend feels reassuring, comfortable, and hopeful. It’s good to recognize what’s good in someone.

Including you!

Each of us is like a mosaic, with lots of lovely tiles, some that are basically neutral, and a few that could use a little—ah—work. It’s important to see the whole mosaic. But because of the brain’s negativity bias, we tend to fixate on what’s wrong with ourselves instead of what’s right. If you do twenty things in a day and nineteen go fine, what’s the one you think about? Probably the one that didn’t go so well.

Your brain builds new structures primarily based on what you pay attention to; neurons that fire together, wire together. Focusing on the “bad” tiles in the mosaic you are reinforces an underlying sense of being mediocre, flawed, or less than others. And it blocks the development of the confidence and self-worth that come from recognizing the good tiles. These results of the negativity bias are not fair. But they’re sure powerful, and a big reason most of us have feelings of inadequacy or self-doubt; I’ve had to work with these issues myself.

Knowing your own strengths and virtues is just a matter of seeing yourself accurately. Then, recognizing the good in yourself, you’ll feel better inside, reach out to others with less fear of rejection, and pursue your dreams with more confidence that you’ll have success.

How

Pick one simple good thing about yourself. Maybe you are particularly friendly, open, conscientious, imaginative, warm, perceptive, or steadfast. Be aware of the experience of that positive characteristic. Explore its body sensations, emotional tones, and any attitudes or viewpoints that go with it.

Take a little time to register that you do indeed have this good quality. Let yourself become convinced of it. Look for signs of it for a day or a week—and feel it when you find it.

Notice any difficulty in accepting that you have this good quality, such as thoughts like But I’m not that way all the time. Or But I have bad parts, too. Try to get on your own side here and see yourself realistically, including your good qualities. It’s okay that you don’t live from those qualities every minute: that’s what it means to be a mosaic; that’s what it means to be human.

Repeat this process for other strengths or virtues that you have.

Also open to the good things that others recognize in you. Start with a friend, and look at yourself through his or her eyes. What does that person like about you? Or appreciate, enjoy, respect, or admire? If your friend were telling someone else about your good qualities, what might he or she say? Do this again with several other people from different parts—and perhaps times—of your life, such as other friends or a family member, partner, teacher, coach, or coworker. Then allow other people’s knowing of your good characteristics to become your own. Soften your face and body and mind to take in this knowing of the truth, the whole truth, of your personal mosaic.

Whether it starts with your own recognition of yourself or from other people, let the knowing of good things about you become feelings of worth, confidence, happiness, and peace.

Sense a quiet voice inside you, coming from your own core, firmly and honestly listing some of your good qualities. Listen to it. Let what it’s saying sink in. If you like, write down the list and go over it from time to time; you don’t have to show it to anyone.

As you go through life, look for examples of your decency, endurance, caring, and other good qualities. When you see these facts, open to feeling good about yourself.

Let these times of feeling good about yourself gradually fill your heart and your days.

6. Slow Down

Most of us are running around way too much. Say you bump into a friend you haven’t seen for a while and ask, “How are you?” Twenty years ago, a typical answer would be “fine.” But today the reply is more likely to be “busy!”

We’re caught up in e-mails, phone calls, long hours working, schlepping kids from here to there, and trying to match velocities with everyone else who has speeded up.

Whatever the particular causes may be in your own life, it’s easy to feel like a short-order cook at the lunch rush.

There’s a place for revving up occasionally, whether it’s dealing with an emergency or cheering like a maniac because your fourth-grade daughter has finally taken a shot while playing basketball (that was me).

But chronic speediness has many bad effects:

It activates the same general stress-response system that evolved in the brain to protect us from charging lions, which releases nerve-jangling hormones like adrenaline and cortisol, weakens your immune system, and wears down your mood.

It puts the alarm system of the brain on red alert, scanning for threats and often overreacting. Have you ever noticed that when you speed up, you’re quicker to find things to worry or get irritated about?

It gives you less time to think clearly and make good decisions.

Even though “the need for speed” may have become a way of life, it’s always possible to make a change. Start with little things. And then let them grow. Honestly, slowing down is one of those seemingly small actions that could really change your life.

How

Here are some ways to slow down. I suggest doing just a few of them: don’t rush to slow down!

Do a few things more slowly than usual. Leisurely lift the cup to your lips, don’t rush through a meal, let others finish talking before jumping in, or stroll to a meeting instead of racing. Finish one task before moving on to another. A few times a day, take a long, slow breath.

Back off the gas pedal. One time, as I zoomed down the freeway, my wife murmured, “What’s the rush?” She made me realize that slowing down a few miles per hour meant arriving just a few minutes later, but with lots more ease along the way.

When the phone rings, imagine that it is a church or temple bell reminding you to breathe and slow down. (This suggestion is from the Vietnamese monk Thich Nhat Hanh.)

Resist the pressure of others to get things done sooner than you really need to. As the saying has it, their lack of planning does not make it your emergency.

Find what’s good about this moment as it is, so you’ll have less need to zip along to the next thing. For example, if you’re stuck on hold on a phone call, look around for something that’s beautiful or interesting, or enjoy the peacefulness of simply breathing.

Over time, wrap up existing commitments and be careful about taking on new ones. Notice and challenge any internal pressure to always be doing and getting more and more. What’s the net bottom-line effect on your quality of life: Does racing about make you happier? Or more stressed and worn out?

All the while, soak in the ease and well-being that come from slowing down—and don’t be surprised if people say you look more confident, rested, dignified, and happy.

It’s your life, no one else’s. Slow down and enjoy it!

7. Forgive Yourself

Everyone messes up. Me, you, the neighbors, everybody.

It’s important to acknowledge mistakes, learn from them so they don’t happen again, and feel appropriate remorse. But most people keep beating themselves up way past the point of usefulness: they’re unfairly self-critical.

Inside the mind are many subpersonalities. For example, one part of me sets the alarm clock for 6 a.m. to get up and exercise . . . and then when it goes off, another part of me grumbles: Who set the darn clock?! More broadly, there are an inner critic and an inner protector inside each of us. For most people, that inner critic is continually yammering away, looking for something, anything, to find fault with. It magnifies small failings into big ones, punishes you over and over for things long past, ignores the larger context, and doesn’t credit you for your efforts to make amends.

That’s why you need your inner protector to stick up for you: to put your weaknesses and misdeeds in perspective, to highlight your many good qualities surrounding your lapses, to encourage you to return to the high road even if you’ve gone down the low one, and—frankly—to tell that inner critic to Hush Up Now.

How

Start by picking something relatively small that you’re still being hard on yourself about, and try the methods below. Then work up to more significant issues.

Here we go:

Start by getting in touch with the feeling of being cared about by someone in your life today or from your past. Get a sense that this person’s caring for you, and perhaps other aspects of him or her, have been taken into your own mind as parts of your inner protector. Do this with other beings who care about you, and open to a growing sense of your inner protector.

Staying with feeling cared about, bring to mind some of your many good qualities. You could ask the protector what it knows about you. These are facts, not flattery, and you don’t need a halo to have good qualities like patience, determination, fairness, or kindness.

This step and the one above it will help you face whatever needs forgiving, and actually forgive yourself.

If you yelled at a child, lied at work, partied too hard, let a friend down, cheated on a partner, or were secretly glad about someone’s downfall—whatever it was—acknowledge the facts: what happened, what was in your mind at the time, the relevant context and history, and the results for yourself and others.

Notice any facts that are hard to face—like the look in a child’s eyes when you yelled at her—and be especially open to them; they’re the ones that are keeping you stuck. It is always the truth that sets us free.

Sort what happened into three piles: moral faults, unskillfulness, and everything else. Moral faults deserve proportionate guilt, remorse, or shame, but unskillfulness calls for correction, no more. (This point is very important.)

You could ask others—including people you may have wronged—what they think about this sorting (and about other points below), but you alone get to decide what’s right. For example, if you gossiped about someone and embellished a mistake he made, you might decide that the lie in your exaggeration is a moral fault deserving a wince of remorse, but that casual gossip (which most of us do at one time or another) is simply unskillful and should be corrected (i.e., not done again) without self-flagellation.

In an honest way, take responsibility for your moral fault(s) and unskillfulness. Say in your mind or out loud (or write): I am responsible for ___________ , ___________ , and ___________ . Let yourself feel it.

Then add to yourself: But I am NOT responsible for ___________ , ___________ , and ___________ . For example, you are not responsible for the misinterpretations or overreactions of others. Let the relief of what you are NOT responsible for sink in.

Acknowledge what you have already done to learn from this experience, and to repair things and make amends. Let this sink in. Appreciate yourself.

Next decide what, if anything, remains to be done—inside your own heart or out there in the world—and then do it. Let it sink in that you’re doing it, and appreciate yourself for this, too.

Now check in with your inner protector: is there anything else you should face or do? Listen to the still, quiet voice of conscience, so different from the pounding scorn of the critic. If you truly know that something remains, then take care of it. But otherwise, know in your heart that what needed learning has been learned, and that what needed doing has been done.

And now actively forgive yourself. Say in your mind, out loud, in writing, or perhaps to others statements like I forgive myself for ___________ , ___________ , and ___________ . I have taken responsibility and done what I could to make things better. You could also ask the inner protector to forgive you, or others out in the world, such as the person you wronged.

You may need to go through one or more of the steps above again and again to truly forgive yourself, and that’s alright. Allow the experience of being forgiven—in this case, by yourself—to take some time to sink in. Help it sink in by opening up to it in your body and heart, and by reflecting on how it will help others if you stop beating yourself up.

May you be at peace.

8. Get More Sleep

You need more sleep.

That is, unless you really are that rare person these days who’s truly getting enough sleep. (Disclosure: that person is definitely not me.)

Without sufficient sleep, risks go up for car accidents, diabetes, heart disease, depression, and unwanted weight. And performance goes down in paying attention, learning, and staying motivated. Plus, it just feels bad to be foggy, groggy, tired, and irritable.

People don’t get enough sleep for a variety of reasons. It’s common to stay up too late and get up too early, and drink too much coffee to get going in the morning and too much alcohol to relax at night. Sleep problems are also a symptom of some health conditions—such as depression and sleep apnea—so talk with your doctor if you have insomnia or if you still feel tired after seemingly getting enough sleep.

The right amount of sleep varies from person to person—and from time to time: if you’re stressed, ill, or working hard, you need more sleep. Whatever it is that you need, the key is consistency: getting good rest every night, not trying to catch up on weekends or holidays.

After I left home, I often went back to visit my parents. They frequently told me I looked tired and needed more sleep. It bugged me every time they said it. But you know what?

They were right. Almost everyone needs more sleep.

How

Two things get in the way of sufficient sleep: not setting enough time aside for it, and not having deep and continuous sleep during the time allotted.

In terms of the first problem:

Decide how much time you want to sleep each night. Then, look at your schedule, see when you need to wake up, and work backwards to give yourself a bedtime. Figure out what you need to do during the hour before your bedtime to get to sleep on time; it probably includes not getting into an argument with anyone!

Observe the “reasons” that emerge to stay up past your bedtime. Most if not all of them will boil down to a basic choice: what’s more important, your health and well-being—or watching another hour of TV, doing housework, or (fill in the blank)?

Really enjoy feeling rested and alert when you get enough sleep. Take in those good feelings, so your brain will want more of them in the future.

In terms of the second problem, issues with sleep itself, here are some suggestions; pick the ones that work for you:

Consider the advice of organizations like the National Sleep Foundation: have a bedtime routine; relax in the last hour or two before bed; stop eating (particularly chocolate), drinking coffee or alcohol, exercising, or smoking cigarettes two or three hours before bedtime; make sure the environment of your bedroom supports sleep (e.g., cool and quiet, good mattress, earplugs if your partner snuffles or snores).

Do what you can to lower stress. Chronic stress raises hormones like cortisol, which will make it hard to fall asleep in the first place, or wake up early in the morning.

Make a deal with yourself to worry or plan during the next day, after you get up. Shift your attention to things that make you feel happy and relaxed, or simply to the sensations of breathing itself. Bring to mind the warm feeling of being with people who care about you. Have compassion for yourself.

Really relax. For example, take five to ten long exhalations; imagine your hands are warm (and tuck them under the pillow); rest a finger or knuckle against your lip; relax your tongue and jaw; imagine you are in a very peaceful setting; progressively relax each part of your body, starting with your feet and moving up to your head.

Certain nutrients are important for sleep. Unless you’re sure you’re getting these in your daily diet, consider supplementing magnesium (500 milligrams/day) and calcium (1200 milligrams/day). If you can, take half in the morning and half before bed.

The neurotransmitter serotonin aids sleep; it is made from an amino acid, tryptophan, so consider taking 500–1000 milligrams of tryptophan just before bed. If you wake up in the middle of the night and can’t easily fall back to sleep, consider 1 milligram of melatonin taken sublingually (under the tongue). You could also eat a banana or something else that’s quick and easy; rising blood sugar will lift insulin levels, which will help transport more tryptophan into your brain. You can usually get tryptophan and melatonin at a health food store; do not supplement either of these if you are breastfeeding or taking psychiatric medication (unless your doctor tells you it’s fine).

Good night!