Khó Khăn Của Cuộc Đời và Trách Nhiệm Của Con Người

YOUR RESPONSIBILITIES FOR MUTUAL

UNDERSTANDING Remember that whatever happens, you cannot feel hurt if you know how to maintain a balanced frame of mind. You are hurt only by the mental attitude that you adopt towards yourself and towards others. If you show a loving attitude towards others, you will likewise receive a loving attitude. If you show hate, you will undoubtedly receive hate in return. An angry man breathes out poison, and he hurts himself more than he would hurt others.

An angry man who shouts at others will be unable to see things in proper perspective as if smoke got into his eyes.

Anyone who is wise not to be angered cannot be hurt. Always remember that no one can hurt you unless you pave the way for others to do so. If you follow the Dhamma (righteous way of life), that Dhamma will protect you. The Buddha says:

'Whoever harms a harmless person, one who is pure and guiltless, upon that very fool the evil recoils like fine dust thrown against the wind.' (Dhammapada)

If you arouse the anger of others you are responsible for the reaction it produces. By showing your aggressive attitude, you will only fulfil the wishes of your enemies.

BLAME NOT OTHERS If you learn to guard your mind properly, external happenings cannot affect you. You must not blame circumstances when things go wrong. You must not think that you are unlucky, that you are the victim of fate, or that somebody has cursed you or had done some 'charm' against you. No matter what reason you give, you must not evade responsibility for your own actions. Try to solve your problems without sulking. Try to work cheerfully even under the most trying circumstances.

Be courageous to face any change if change is natural or necessary; so be brave enough to accept what you cannot avoid. Be wise enough to accept what you cannot avoid. Be wise enough to understand the uncertainty of worldly conditions which affect everybody. Therefore, you must develop courage to face disappoitments and problems without feeling frustrated. Difficulties abound in our life. We have to face them bravely. If you know how to overcome them without creating further problems, you are indeed wise.

Those who try to do some service to others also face problems.

They even encounter more blame than those who do not serve others at all. You should not be discouraged; instead, have the understanding to realise that selfless service eventually brings happiness as its own reward. In rendering our service to others, there must be knowledge and understanding. Bertrand Russell, a British philosopher says:

'Love without knowledge and knowledge without love cannot produce a good life'. YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR YOUR INNER PEACE You must learn how to protect whatever inner peace and calm you have created within your mind. To preserve the inner peace, you must know when to reduce your superiority complex; you must also know when to ignore your pride, when to subdue your false ego, when to discard you adamance and when to practise patience. You should not allow others to take away your inner peace. You can preserve your inner peace if you know how to act wisely.

Wisdom comes through understanding. 'Man is not a fallen angel, but a rising animal.' Use your full effort with conviction to stand by your principles firmly and gently. At the same time, be humble for the sake of peace and tolerance to avoid clashes and violence. By doing so you will never lose anything. Instead, you gain in the end. HOW TO FACE CRITICISM You must learn how to guard yourself against unjust criticism and how to make sensible use of constructive criticism. You must always look objectively at criticism. If the criticism levelled at you is injust, ill-founded, given with a bad intention, you should not cowardly surrender your dignity. If you know that there is no consciencious guilt in you, your attitude is correct and appreciated by wise people, then you need not worry about ill-founded criticism. Your understanding of both constructive and destructive criticism is important for to adjust your way of life to live in any society. The Buddha says:

"There is no one who is not blamed in this world". (Dhammapada) EXPECT NOTHING AND NOTHING WILL DISAPPOINT YOU You can avoid disappointments by not having any expectation for your service. If you expect nothing, then nothing can disappoint you. Do something for the benefit of others to relieve suffering. If you can do that without expecting any kind of reward, then you can have no cause of disappointment. You can be a contented man! The happiness that appears in your mind for the good that you have done, is itself a big reward. That happiness creates immense satisfaction in your life. By expecting reward, you not only miss your happiness, but very often you will even experience bitter disappointment.

Perhaps, you may be a person who is good by nature and so you do not harm others. But nevertheless you get blamed despite having done good. Then you might ask "If good begets good and bad begets bads, why should I have to suffer when I am completely innocent? Why should I have to undergo so many difficulties? Why should I be troubled with so many disturbances? Why should I get blamed by others despite my good work?"The simple answer is that when you do some good deeds you may unwittingly be going against many evil forces at work in the universe. Those evil forces naturally interrupt good deeds. If not, it could be that you are facing the evil effects of some past evil deeds (kamma) that is ripening at the present moment. By continuing your good work with sound understanding, you will eventually be free from such troubles.

Since you are the one who initially created the disappointments, it is reasonable that only you can overcome them - by realising the true situation of your wordly life.

"By protecting others, you protect yourself. By protecting yourself, you protect others". Many of the wordly conditions are beyond our control. Unexpected changes, diverse influences and uncertainties do occur to disappoint us. That is why it is sometimes difficult to do good in such changing circumstances. If people heed this advice of the Buddha, everybody could contribute something for their mutual protection.

GRATITUDE IS A RARE VIRTUE The Buddha considered gratitude to be a great virtue. Yes, it is true that this virtue is rare in any society. You cannot always expect other people to be grateful to you for what you have done. People are inclined to be forgetful especially when it comes to remembering past favours. If people fail to show gratitude, you have to learn accept them as such - only then can you avoid disappointment. You can be happy regardless of whether people arẹ grateful for your kindness and help; you need only think and feel satisfied that you have done your noble duty as a human being to your fellow men.

COMPARE NOT WITH OTHERS You can rid yourself of unecessary worry and trouble simply by not comparing yourself with others. As long as you regard others as your "egual", "superior" or "inferior", you will have intolerance and restlessness. If you do not adopt such an attitude, there is nothing for you to worry about. If you think you are higher than others, you may become proud. If you think you arẹ second to none, others may descend on you. If you think you are inferior, you may lose your own self-confidence. For most people, it is very difficult to subdue their pride. It is advisable to learn how to reduce one's pride. If you are able to sacrifice your pride, then you can find your inner peace. you can harmonise yourself with others so as to experience peace and happiness. Which is more important - to maintain your pride or peace of mind?

Try to realise that equality, inferiority, and superiority are all changing realtive states: you may be poor now but at another point of time you may be rich. Today you may be ignorant, later however you can be become wise. Today you may be sick and unhappy but given time you will probably be healthy again. However, there are many intangible human qualities which are regarded as mankind"s heritage - human rights, human dignity, human status etc.. Others have no right to deprive you of them. If you are good to yourself, you are good to others. If you good to others, you are good to yourself'.

HOW TO HANDLE TROUBLE-MAKERS You have to realise that you might have contributed something, either intentionally or unintentionally, for the troubles and problems that now befall you. It is also important for you to know what you must do to overcome your problems that have come to you through various sources. If your understanding is deep enough to sublimate your responsibility for having caused the existing problem, you will certainly get the idea of how best to get rid of them.

Then you know how to handle trouble-makers and your opponents. Those who oppose you also have a human heart.

Therefore it is not difficult to accommodate them; develop their friendship instead of isolating them. If you are strong enough to resist their wrong attitude, then there is no reason to avoid associating with them. Through your association with such people, you can influence them for their own betterment. Remember that is your own understanding that protects you from your enemies and allows you to guide them to become good.

If a man does something wrong to you through his ignorance or misunderstanding, that is the most opportune time for you to show your wisdom, your education and religious understanding. What is the use of all your education and your religious knowledge if you have not learned how to behave yourself as a real gentleman particularly at a time of trial? When others do wrong to you, you must regard their action as an opportunity for you to develop your patience and sympathy.

Patience is one of the prime qualities which everyone must cultivate. The more you practise such a virtue, the more you will be able to maintain your dignity. You must know how to make good use of your knowledge and principles to deal with people who are hostile to you. Sooner or later, they will realise their folly and change their hostile attitude. Sometimes, people try to take advantage of your tolerance and patience as signs of weakness. That is the time for you to act wisely without becoming a victim to such cunning people.

‘Virtues must be practised wisely' . Kindness, honesty, and patience are fertile grounds for cunning people to be mean on their intended victims possessing such generous qualities.

FORGIVE AND FORGET To take revenge on trouble-makers is only to create more problems and disturbances. You must realise that negative feelings and hostile actions could only bring harm and suffering to both you and the trouble-makers. In order to take retaliatory action, you have to harbour intense hatred in your heart. This hatred is like a poison. Since the poison is initially in you, surely it will harm you before it can harm anyone else. Before you can throw a blazing iron at another, you get burned first. Your action merely goes to show that there is no basic difference between you and your opponent.

By hating others, you only give them power over you. You do not solve your problem. If you become angry with a person who simply smiles back at you, then you will feel defeated and miserable. Since he did not co-operate with you to fulfil your wish, it is he who is victorious. The Buddha teaches us how to live happily when we are faced with disturbances. 'Ah happily do we live without hate amongst the hateful. Amidst hateful men, we live without hate'.

-- Dhammapada.

We can live happily without fanning the fires of hatred.

Perhaps you may not be strongh enough to extend compassionate love to your enemies; but the sake of your own health and happiness and that of everybody else, you must at least learn how to forgive and forget.

By not hating or crushing your trouble-maker, you act like a gentleman. To act in this manner, you must understand that the other person has been misled by anger, jealousy and ignorance.

He is therefore no different from all other human beings who have also at one time or another been misled by the same negative states of mind.

The Buddha says: "Evil-doers are not wicked by nature. They do evil because they are ignorant". Therefore they need guidance.

We should not curse them. It is not justifiable for us to say that they should be condemned to everlasting suffering as it is still not too late to correct them. We should try to explain to them in a very convincing way that they are in fact in the wrong. With this understanding, you can treat the evil-doer as you would a patient who is suffering from a sickness and in need of treatment. When the sickness is cured the ex-patient and everyone else will be well and happy. The ignorant must be guided by the wise.

"Good life is inspired by love and guided by knowledge".

If a man does something wrong to you of ignorance or misunderstanding, then that is the time to radiate your compassionate love towards the evil-doer. One day, he will realise this folly and relent on his evil habits. So it is better to give him a chance to be good. Repentance of his past misdeeds will change him into a better person and in the end he will truly appreciate your kind thoughts. The most compassionate Buddha's advice is: "Hatred does not cease by hatred; by love alone it cease. This is an eternal law".

If you can radiate compassionate love, no harm will come to you. This will help you to achieve both physical and mental health. Life has its own rythm.

When you lose on the swing, you gain on the roundabout.

Those who do not understand this principle often get into trouble and face difficulties in life.

If a man does something wrong to you again and again, you must act wisely in correcting him each time he makes the mistake. Although it not so easy to do that, you should nevertheless try your best to follow the example set by the Buddha. Then you will come to know that it is after all not impossible. The attitude of the Buddha in such a situation could be summerised thus: "The more evil that comes to me, the more good will radiate from me ".

Some people think that is not practicable to return good for evil. Try it and see for yourself. If you find it too difficult to return good for evil, then you can still do a great service to yourself and to others by not returning evil for evil.

"Sympathetic consideration is needed for less-understanding people who make mistake".

WE ARE ALL HUMAN All human beings have weaknesses and are therefore prone to make mistake. All human beings have desire, anger and ignorance. These weaknesses prevail in all of us in varying degrees. unless you are perfect or an Arahant, you are no exception. The nature of the human mind shows itself in the following saying:

"Man is not satisfied with his life and never finds the purpose of life even after gaining the whole world". Let us take a closer look at a man who is envelopped by ignorance. His mind is clouded by disturbances, confusion and darkness. Out of ignorance, man creates misfortunes and he shares this with his fellow men. most of the worry and misery that come to man are due to changing wordly conditions and man's own craving for wordly pleasures which to his selfish mind should continue forever. Disappointment unfulfilled desires which arise from unexpected changes create worry.

Therefore you are responsible for your worry.

Nobody is perfect in this world; everybody is liable some time to commit certain mistakes or evil actions. So how can you think that you are free from mistakes or evil? Ignorance is the main cause for nurturing the impulse of craving which in turn generates worry.

"Fear and worry disappear when ignorance is dispelled by knowledge". If you can understand the weaknesses present in a man's mind in this way, then there should be no reason for you to grumble over your problems. You will have the courage to face them. Man's mind is responsible for both his happiness and unhappiness.

"Nothing happens to man that is not contained within man". – C.

Jung, well known psychologist.

PARENT RESPONSIBILITY You are responsible for the well-being and upbringing of your children. If the child grows up to be a strong, healthy, and useful citizen, it is the result of your efforts. If the child grows up to be a delinquent, it is you who must bear the responsibility. Do not blame others. As parents, it is your bounden duty to guide your child on a proper path. Although there are a few incorrigible cases of juvenile delinquency, nevertheless as parents, you are responsible for the behaviour of your children. A child at its most impressionable age, needs the love, care, affection and attention of the parents. Without parental love and guidance, the child will be emotionally handicapped and will find the world a bewildering place to live in. Showering parental love does not mean pandering to all the demands of the child, reasonable or otherwise. Too much pampering would in fact spoil the child. The mother in bestowing her love and care, should also be strict and firm but not harsh, in handling the tantrums of a child. Show your love with a disciplined hand

- the child will understand.

Unfortunately, all too often parental love in our present day society is sadly lacking. The rush for material advancement, and the rising aspiration for equality of the sexes, have resulted in many mothers joining their husbands in the rat-race. Mothers struggle to maintain their family image or status symbol by working in offices and shops, rather than being at home tendering to the needs of their off-spring.

Children who are left to the care of relatives or paid servants, as well as 'latch key' children who are left to their own devices at home, are often deprived of motherly love and care. The mother, feeling guilty about her lack of attention, would try to placate the child by giving in to all sorts of demands of the child. Such action only spoils the child.

Providing the child with sophisticated modern toys that are detrimental to character formation such as tanks, machine guns, pistols, swords and the like are psychological unwholesome. The child is unwittingly being taught to condone destruction instead of being taught to be kind, compassionate and helpful. Such a child will develop brutal tendencies as they grow up. Giving a child such toys is no substitute for a mother's love and affection. Parents are often placed in a dilemma. Rushing home from a hard day's work the weary parents have family chores waiting upon them. When the day's work is done, it would be time for dinner followed by T.V., and whatever time there is left, is hardly enough to attend a child's rightful dues of parental love and affection.

With the call of women's liberation, many women seem to think that the solution is to compete with men outside the home. Such women should consider very carefully whether to bear children. It is irresponsible for a mother to bring a life into this world and then 'abandon' it. You are responsible for what you create. A child has a right to be satisfied materially, but more importantly spiritually and psychologically. The provision of material comfort is secondery compared to the provision of parental love and attention. We know of many people from poor homes who have with meagre income, brought up children well and plenty of love. Conversely, many rich people have provided every material comfort for their children, but being deprived of parental love, these children have grown up to become phsychologically and morally handicapped.

Some women may feel that advising them to concentrate on the upbringing of the family is something degrading and reflects the thinking of the old and the conservative. It is true that in the past women have been treated very badly, but this was due more to ignorance on the part of men than to an inherent weakness in women. The Sanskrit word for a housewife is 'Gruhini' which literally means 'leader of the house'.

Certainly it does not imply that a women is inferior. Rather it means a division of responsibility for the male and the female. In certain countries, many husbands hand over their pay packet to their wives who handle domestic affairs. This leaves the man free to concentrate on what he can do best. Since each partner knows clearly what his of her reponsibilities are, there is no conflict between them. The atmosphere at home is happy and peaceful where their children can grow up well.

Of course, the husband must see to it that his partner is well cared for, that she is consulted on every family decision, that there is enough freedom for her to develop her own personality and that she has her own free time to pursue her personal interests. In this sense, husband and wife are equally responsible for the welfare of their family. They are not in competition with each other.

A mother should consider carefully whether she should continue as a working mother with all the attendant pitfalls or as a housewife giving all her due affection and care to her grow-ing child. Strangely, some modern mothers, particularly in certain countries with military regimes facing a shortage of manpower, are being trained to handle guns of other deadly weapons when they should be cuddling their children and training them to be good or law-abiding citizens.

The modern attitude of working mothers towards their children tends to erode the time-honoured filial piety which children are expected to uphold. The replacement of breast-feeding by bottle feeding is yet another cause. Hitherto, when mothers used to breast-feed and cuddle babies in their arms, the tender affection between mother and child become much greater. A breast feeding mother, through her maternal instinct, often experiences a tremendous satisfaction from knowing she is providing the baby, as nature has intended, with something of her very own which no one else can give. The influence a mother has on the child grows and becomes much more pronounced.

Under such circonstances, filial piety, family cohesion and obedience are invariably present.

These traditional traits are for the good and the well-being of children. It is up to the parents, especially the mother to provide them with love, care and affection as their rightful dues. The mother is responsible for the child being good or wayward. The mother can thus reduce juvenile delinquency! At the highest level of thinking, you can see things as they are, not as you are.

Then you know that you are responsible for everything.

'Those who lead their lives by going against nature, must face the consequences either physically or mentally' .

HOW TO REDUCE YOUR MENTAL AGONY Whenever certain difficulties and problems arise, make up your mind to reduce your mental agony. First, you must try to understand the nature of the world where you live. You can never expect everything in this world to be perfect and to run smootly. The world situation may not always be in your favour. There could be no world and no life without problems. Natural forces like sunlight, rain, wind and moonlight are favourable and useful to many, yet at times they could be a nuisance to many others. There is in fact nothing perfectly bad of perfectly good in this world because the very things that are welcomed by one group could be hated by another group. Therefore, we define good and bad according to our needs. Things are neither good nor bad by nature, According to Buddhism, the world exist on conflict to which you become part of. If you have strong selfish cravings for existence and the senses, you will have to pay the price - the mental agony of having to survive with a topsy-turvy view of the world.

Wishful thinking, yearnings for eternity and clinging to feelings such as the elusive 'I' or 'Me' only warp the mind and its sense of time. Unfulfilled desires yields their crop of quarels, friction, communication failures, fear, worry, loneliness and anxiety.

There are no free rides.

If you are desirous of eradicating the mental agony within you, you have to subdue selfish cravings. Life's journey has a T-junction. Either you take the right path and develop your spiritually to unwind the tensions of wordly life or you continue to indulge in sensual pleasures with their many attendant confrontations.

One way to relieve yourself of your occasional mental agony is to understand the degree of your own sufferings and difficulties compared with those experienced by others. When you are unhappy, you often feel that the world is against you. You think that everything around you is about to collapse. You feel that the end of the road is near. However, if you take a mental note of things around you and count your blessings, surprisingly, you will find that you are indeed much better off than many other people.

You might have probably heard the saying: 'I complained I had no shoes until I met a man who has no feet'. In short, you have been unduly exaggerating your own difficulties and problems.

Others are in fact worse off, and yet they do not worry themselves induly. Problems are there. You should try to solve them instead of worrying and creating mental anguish within you. The Chinese have a practical saying about solving problems: 'If you have a big problem, try to reduce it to a small problem. If you have a small problem, try to reduce it to no problem'. Another way to reduce your problems is to recapitulate what you have gone through before, under similar or even worse circumstances; and how you have, through you own patience, initiative and effort, been able to surmount your then seemingly insurmountable difficulties. By doing so, you will not permit your existing problems to 'drown you'. On the contrary, by seeing life in a new perspective you will be able to solve whatever problems that you may now face.

You should realise that you have gone through much worse situations before and that you are prepared to face them squarely, come what may. With this frame of mind, you will soon regain your self-confidence and be in a better position to solve whatever problems that will be in store for you. If you are facing a problem, there must surely be a remedy to overcome it. So why worry? On the other hand, even if there is no solution for your problem, again why worry because your worry cannot contribute anything to settle your problem.

ALL ARE NOT EQUALLY GOOD Occasionally, there are complains from people who have never caused or given any trouble to other people and yet they become innocent victims of the wiles and intrigues of others. They feel frustrated despite the good lives they have lived. They feel they have been harmed through no fault of their own. Under such circumstances, the innocent victim must realise that the world is made up of all sorts of people - the good and the not so good, the bad and the not so bad, with all the unusual characters that go to make this world of ours. The innocent victim may console himself that he belongs to the good category whereas the disturber of the peace belongs to the bad, and that on certain occasions, he will still have to bear patiently the misdeeds of those belonging to the bad.

We take for instance the case of a 'good and careful driver' and a 'bad and reckless driver'. The good and careful driver took every precaution to drive carefully but nevertheless he met with an accident, through no fault of his own - the fault being that of a bad and reckless driver.

Thus we can see the good may have to suffer, despite their goodness, because there are bad and reckless people around us. The world is neither good nor bad. It produces criminals as well as saints, fools and enlightened ones. Out of the same clay, beautiful and ugly, useful and even useless things can be made. The quality of good pottery depends on the potter and not on the clay. The potter is in fact yourself. The moulding of your happiness or unhappiness is in your hands.

YOU GAIN WHAT YOU SEEK If you try your level best to overcome your difficulties by practising the advice given in this booklet, you will definitely find peace, happiness and harmony which you are seeking. Follow principles which have been tested and proven as outlined in this booklet for your protection.

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